I'm gonna develop an eating disorder.
I've had a serious sensitivity to certain foods lately. Mostly vegetables and tree nuts.  The thought of them makes me gag and sometimes vomit.  Carrots and cashews are the worst (this is so hard to blog without vomiting) but today they were especially awful.  This morning I was talking about tree nut allergies and I was getting dizzy and hot and I got to my first period class (music theory) and sat on the ground in front of the door because it was locked.  My mouth started watering like I was going to puke and I didn't have anywhere to go.  I asked Nerbonne for a pass to the nurse and he told me to write one but that was pushing it over the edge. While I was writing I had to keep swallowing down vomit.  I got to the nurse and I think it had passed so I just rested a little bit and went back to class but all day I was getting nauseous.  I think for the most part it's because I'm getting really sick...  My mom tried to give me carrots at dinner and I started gagging and basically yelled for her to get them away from me. I couldn't even look at them.

It all started last night. The sick part of everything.  I kept drinking water but my throat was still all blehhh and sticky and you know. I woke up almost every hour.  But then I had a dream I was walking down the street with my dad and I started feeling awful so I ran to the sewer and threw up in it but then the police came and arrested me for polluting the water supply. Fun stuff.

I missed yoga. I missed exercise in general. I missed how it makes my muscles feel and how much energy it gives me.  I think I'll try to be vegan again...or at least eat more raw.  I tried to go running today but I haven't been running outside in a loooong time.  Especially not in 20 degree weather. My body is so not used to it.  BUT on my way back I found an eye patch, a magic wand silly band, and a sparkly marble.  I gave them to my sister.

I was thinking back to fourth grade today.  My teacher still sends me christmas cards.  She was my favorite teacher.  She's retired now and her husband recently passed away.  Back in fourth grade she had a piano and a guitar in her room. Penelope the Piano and George the Guitar.  She's the reason I'm so into music now.  My favorite song we sang was Down on the Corner by Creedence Clearwater Revival. Early exposure to CCR. I still know the words when it comes on the radio.  In our fourth grade play, We the People, I had to play the Statue of Liberty because I was the tallest girl.  I had to sing a solo too. Boy, was that interesting hahahaha.

End of that rant.  Next rant: yearbook superlatives.  They were supposed to have 4 people for most musical so it was Oleg, Conner, Brenna, and me.  But the stupid yearbook lady cut it down to 2 people AFTER all four of us had found out.  So now it's just Brenna and Oleg.  I'm so angry.  Brenna and I tried talking to someone about getting all four of us in but the yearbook lady is stubborn and stupid. It's not like it costs any more to put 4 people in. Gah this whole situation makes me so mad.  I told my mom when I found out and she was so proud of me and then I had to tell her I'm not in it anymore. eksdfhvnlckaejsdfhvncjk. What a downer. What a morale crusher. I mean, Brenna only sings.  I'm being really selfish and narcissistic but this is a blog, that's what I'm supposed to do, eh? Brenna sings, I play like 7 instruments proficiently. I don't even know if Brenna can play any instruments.  Vocalists can barely read music too. Generalization there but oh well. Ugh. Ughughughughughugh. I guess there's nothing I can do about it now except accept the fact that Brenna is more popular to begin with so people just voted for her because they didn't know who else to vote for.  I shouldn't be getting so worked up about this situation. It's just a stupid yearbook thing. I just think it's unfair that all four of us found out and two had to be kicked out of it. No parting gift either. Just a nice slap in the face by reality, saying "suck it, you narcissistic bitch." Cool.

Today was the most stressful day I've had in a loooong time.
2:30- piano lesson
3:00- get instruments together
4:00- rehearsal
4:30- find/chase down pizza guy
4:45- sprint around school still looking for pizza guy
5:15- find pizza guy, get trampled by hungry students
5:30- change into uniform, grab viola
5:40- take string orchestra picture
5:50- grab violin, take chamber orchestra picture
6:00- rehearse with concert chorus, playing guitar
6:15- find officers, pack up/unpack instruments
6:30- set up chairs and stands, memorize seating
6:45- start stressing out, wonder where to put instruments backstage
7:00- more rehearsal/warm ups/break down during scales and  cry all over violin from stress
7:20- go into auditorium
7:30- play guitar for concert chorus (i've only played guitar for a few months..)
7:35- run backstage, grab viola and violin and tuner, run back on stage to set up chairs again
7:45/50ish-play with string orchestra, grab violin
8:00ish- dump viola, play with chamber orchestra
8:10ish- throw violin down, set up chairs AGAIN
8:15ish- play with full orchestra
8:25ish- play with symphony orchestra
8:35ish- push chairs and stands back, ditch instruments backstage
8:40ish- watch other groups from audience and try to calm down
9:10- eat food, clam down more
I'm breaking out in hives and around 7 my pulse was at 110 bpm. great night. I think I played alright....

I thought I was gonna pass out or die or something. Dmilz was very concerned.  When he asked me if I needed to go get a drink and calm down was when I really broke down.  I stuck it out though. I did what I needed to do, I guess that's the beset I can do.  No more music for a while now.  I have string long tomorrow so that means food and a movie. gzfjergsvnm calm. breathe.

Do you believe in reincarnation?

I'm convinced dragons were real.

Anxiety is terrible!

I can't eat raw carrots. They just scare me.  I used to have bad dreams about food tasting awful and then I couldn't eat it for a few years.  It's happened with popcorn, school french fries (sorry, "potato wedges"), plain potato chips, even toothpaste.  Now it's happening with healthy food.  Carrots are the first to go.  They're fine when they're cooked but when they're raw....they're all dried up and gross looking like I'm eating dried flesh. mmm

I try to stay out of the kitchen while people are cooking on thanksgiving but around 11 I decided to start cooking my tofurkey.  I tried to go downstairs to get an onion and I slipped on the second or third stair and fell directly on my tail bone about two more steps down.  It was like that out of body pain like all your attention is focused in that one area and you can't think of anything else.  For about 5 minutes I was just gasping in pain but because I was laying on the stairs with my head higher than my feet, all the blood ran from my head and I started blacking out.  My parents were talking but I couldn't even focus on what they said. It's like your ears start ringing, everything goes black and white, and you're stuck in your own head.  I've never relied on instincts more than at that moment.  It's like some part of my brain was controlling my entire body while I was thinking "the health teachers would be yelling at me for doing this." At one point I managed to curl up sideways on the stair to get blood back to my head and I let go of the railing and just let my body go limp.  My mom said I had broke out into a sweat and my lips were white. My dad managed to carry me down the stairs and to the couch.  At that point I wasw coming back to my senses and I completely declined any help offered. I was determined to do it all myself because I was afraid they'd hurt me by trying to help.  I don't know how much time had past but my sister said it was an hour or something once I had been on the couch for a little. I hadn't realized how hard I hit my elbow until then. I don't know how I managed to recover like I did.  After two hours I could walk again and after we had eaten I went roller blading outside.  Still hurts like hell but at least I didn't break anything.
I make it sound so...melodramatic.  It was the most exciting thing that happened today.

I've developed a habit of humming wherever I go.  I realized that in school I can hum in the hallways and no one can hear me because everyone is too loud to notice.  So I've taken up humming. I hummed my way through the grocery store today. It seems a little more acceptable than singing in public. I am slowly going crazy..

breaking news...
I got into UMaine!
not my top choice but it's nice to have another option.

I'M GOING TO COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got into University of Vermont. And it's my top choice. Ahhhh I'm so happy!!!!!

I feel like I don't have enough time in life.  I know I have so many more years but the way I look at things makes it seem like I only have 20 or something.  Then I think about college and how I have to stick it out through another 4 years until I can start putting all these plans I have into action.  I'm finally thinking about the future though.  I'll live to see the future, I think.

I can't deal with regret.
But trying to put it out of my mind makes me sick with guilt.

I have my foreign friends back.  It's been far too long. Imagine losing someone who completely changed your life.  They just fall off the face of the earth without a good bye and you have no way of contacting them. Terrible.  Glad that's over with.  I'm so dramatic sometimes.  It's really not that terrible..maybe it is...I don't know..don't ask me.

I cut my hair.  I wanted to just trim it but I'm terrible at trimming it and keeping it even so I ended up chopping it off.  I liked it long. Boo hoo. I'll have to deal with it. Whatever.  So much for growing it out..

I have officially applied to all my colleges.  ohsss I just realized that I've been waiting all day for my SAT scores cuz I didn't have a computer AND NOW I DO! I improved my scores by 90 points; solid 2000 this time. Sweeeeet. Okay now I feel like I'm done with college stuff and I'll probably find out if I'm into UVM and UNH pretty soon. A month or so I believe.

I'm isolating myself. No tv, no facebook, no texting. I even disabled incoming texts on my phone. I'm trying to avoid people too. That's a lot harder. I've been reading harry potter like mad.  escapism i suppose. it's working.

I finally figured it out. We all look too dorky to be seniors.

I want to give up on music.

2 questions I always asked my mother.

1. Why is the sky blue?
2. Why do married women wear wedding rings?  (In the US; it's not a universal thing)

Theres a huge difference between some people that contributes to how they turn out when they're older.  I realized this while making toast today.  I tend to open the toaster a second before it beeps only because I know how long it takes subconsciously.  Now I know that I'm not psychic, I just have good timing, but there are people who would say "Wow I'm amazing I must have super powers." They're the people who always think something is wrong with them. It's like having a grasp on reality versus none at all.  I have to admit that I fall into the second category a lot, not knowing what is mentally in my control and what is not. 

This post didn't make much sense.  I can't type my thoughts sometimes.

I love autumn.  It's my absolute favorite time of year- from when the concord grapes are ripe and you can smell them til all the leaves are gone.  I love how cool and windy and cloudy it always is. And the leaves make it all so pretty.  I went to a cemetary today and it was perfect fall weather.  And I was wearing a striped knit sweater from goodwill. If felt so perfect like all those 90s halloween movies.  I went apple picking too. Such a perfect day.

Have you ever tried to count how many levels of thoughts you have? I used to do it all the time when I was little..probably every day. I think it's impossible to count them all. There's the first level which is like talking inside your head- your most prominent thoughts.  Then there's that level that's thinking about what your first level is saying. Then the next level is thinking about everything all together and trying to analyze it...and so on.  I think the most I can count is 3 or 4.  It keeps you occupied for a long time. Try it during long block.

Here's another: Try listening to someone talk and don't focus on any of the words- only sounds. But do it consciously.  It's so hard to not process the words.  If you do manage to do it, you realize that english is a really ugly language. We have so many gross sounding words.

Our future is canned peaches.

One thought I always have is how humans will be regarded in the far future. Like after our age of technology dies and we all die with it.  I can only imagine them find our remains in the forms of vinyls, power plants, and plastic.  They'll think of us as an advanced race and base their creations off ours.  They'll be starting new after the end of our race.  If you've ever read the City of Ember and the People of Sparks you'll know where I'm coming from. Our future is canned peaches and bomb shelters.  Every time I go to the grocery store I tell my mom to stock up on canned food because we'll need it soon.  I believe that some day we will be bombed by some crazy country holding a grudge against us and that's what's gonna happen.  They'll put people in the ground and give them canned food to last them generations.  I wonder what the next inhabitants of this earth will be after humans die out (that is if we managed to not nuke the whole planet to smithereens) and if they'll be smarter than us.  It seems like every living thing gets smarter each time around.  Maybe they'll know enough to create some utopian society that lasts forever.  They'll know to never invent plastic or cars or BPs.

Utopian societies.  They exist. I've seen it happen: Assisted care housing.  They make your food, there are scheduled times for activites every day, everyone does the same thing every day.  Yup, individuality, you're going to hell.  Everyone is treated the same.  Wow I never want to live there. 

Oh man I'm listening to M. Ward on youtube and the speakers are loud so sometimes it sounds like he's behind me and it freaks me out.  Like he's standing over my shoulder reading my blog as I type it.  That's creepy. He's not creepy. Not that I know of anyway.

"Now I feel like Carolina, I split myself in two."

I don't learn from my lessons.  But I'm starting to think that my subconscious doesn't want me to learn.  I keep hurting myself one way or another because I don't have the will power to stop.  How am I supposed to build up my will power when I don't have any to begin with.  It's so ironic.  Like downloading internet from the internet.

I'm learning harmonica.  I can actually play some songs on it.  People say that it's so hard to learn but I picked it up for the first time and learned a song in 5 minutes.  I don't even have to think when I play. Clarinet on the other hand....ugh. I'm terrible. I decided to try learning that.  My cousin taught me how to actually make notes come out and not squeaks though.  I guess that's a start. I've never needed my mouth to play an instrument except harmonica.  It hurts your face if you don't have those muscles.  I also bite my tongue when I play.  It's not fun but I'm determined to learn as much as I can before my face falls off.

Life is scary sometimes.  Even more so when it's all in your head.

I've had such erratic behavior today.  I start to do something and no more than a minute later I get bored and need to do something else.  I've just been walking around the house all day not knowing what to do. I'll pick up an instrument, then put it right back down again. Turn on music, turn it off before the song finishes. Go on the computer and open the games window, close the window. Open some website, close it.  No one is around to talk to either and my phone is being weird and won't recieve texts or send them out right away. Now I have no idea if someone stole our tent or my cousin picked it up. I forced myself to watch a free movie because normal tv won't hold my attention. It was a terrible movie. Uma Thurman can't play the role of an extremely beautiful superhero. She's too ugly. But that's why people think she's attractive- she's so ugly she's attractive. Uma Thurman. She was the answer in a crossword puzzle I did recently. I lost my crossword puzzle book. I want it back but I have no idea where I left it. Probably in my sister's car under the seat or in the ocean somewhere. My brain feels like it's melting.  I want to sleep but I try to nap and then get distracted and get up to do something. But there's nothing to do.  I've only been home for 5 hours now but it feels like days. I can't learn harmonica either.  It doesn't help that I'm trying to play a song in E flat on a C harmonica. Stupid. I'm gonna pass out from trying though.  My lungs weren't meant to do that.  Which is why I'm in orchestra, not band.  I can't play clarinet either. I can't even play one note.  It just one loud squeak and I say that's all the notes all at once. It's the devil's clarinet.  I don't think it's really a clarinet. It's satan with a reed.  Do civilizations need a religion to be civilized? I don't think so.  Maybe a set of beliefs but they don't need a religion. There were probably plenty of agnostic/atheist civilizations.  In english today we defined what makes people "civilized" and people were saying things that made me want to yell at them.  Some people said they need clothes. Wrong.  There were plently of civilizations that didn't have clothes. There still are.  What's wrong with not wearing clothes? Nothing. Does that make me uncivilized when I take a shower? Apparently.  I think another one was- okay nevermind I don't remember.  I think I need a new phone soon. It's splitting open on the bottom. I'm gonna get it wet and electrocute myself. Electrocute is a weird word.  It ends in cute. Electrocution isn't cute.  I've experienced it.  Not cool. Not cute. Weird. Really weird. Like all your bones are vibrating inside your skin. This is just one big chunk of text isn't it.  I've started putting a few of my experiences together and realizing that things aren't normal.  I'm really debating going back to therapy to figure things out but I hate talking to doctors and therapists.  If things get worse maybe I will. Maybe. Gah I hate talking about that with people. They just try to force me to. I just can't. It's like social anxiety. I can't bring myself to even open my mouth.  It just makes things worse because I get stressed out and they ask questions that make me even more confused and I can't answer and then I wanna explode.  I hurt right now.  My back. Maybe violin. I cried in a practice room today before my audition. Complete mental breakdown.  There's this homeschooled kid that's in our orchestra now and he's too good and I'm also afraid of him. He scares me. I don't really know why.  Something about him just makes me want to run and hide. I can't look at him.  But I had to play almost right after him and it was terrible. I couldn't play. The freshmen girls are also pretty intimidating but they're so nice that I don't even care. I love them already. But Jeremy just...scares me.  I got home and I had high blood pressure again. I can't even play music today.  I'll break down again. Life is scary sometimes.  I was debating slamming my hand in a locker so I didn't have to play today but I didn't. I should have. I really should have. Why didn't I. I feel like I'm not really here right now. My brain is hopping from thought to thought. I have to go back and read what I wrote to figure out what I was just think about.  I'm really hot. I thought Earl would cool everything off but I guess not. Stupid hurricanes. I wanted a really bad one. We need excitement around here. Flooding, fallen trees, power outages, the whole shebang.  I wish I was an admin on this computer so I could download firefox. I'm sick of not having spell check. I'm a terrible speller. When I was little I wanted to write dictionaries. I though they were fascinating even though I couldn't spell.  I always wondered how people could gather all the words into one book. There are so many. I wonder, on average, how many words (percentage) of the english language a novel uses.  Probably about 1-2%. It's gotta be a pretty small number.  I guess not just english but latin too.  All those medical and scientific terms are really english right?  I wonder how universal they are.  Do other languages translate them? I can't see why they would need to. Latin seems so universal anyway. Most languages are derived from it.  Mr. Horton asked me a question about latin yesterday and I couldn't even answer. I lost that entire year of latin over the summer. I don't remember spanish either. I think I'll give up on languages.  I'm gonna end up living alone in the middle of nowhere anyway. Nowhere is a weird word too. No where. Now here. So contradictory. I hate contradictions. I'm confused enough. This is a really long post.  I've been typing for a good 45 minutes now. I don't remember typing that long.  I'm sorry if you're reading this.  If you are reading this, leave a comment saying something random.  I have a feeling no one is reading but this is at least giving me something to do.  I don't have my thoughts focused on only one thing.  I think I'll take a shower.  I'll be uncivilized and shower naked.  How dare I.  I might as well not go to church on sunday and eat with my fingers.  Barbaric.

Internet Explorer has no Spell Check

Life is such a circle of disaatisfaction.  No one wants what they have.  They want what they don't have. Yeah that's human nature. It's just that you'd think evolution would fix that a little.  People are complaining about the heat but then saying that they will be wishing for this heat when it's 10 below this winter.  Wrong. They'd be wishing it was just warmer; not this deadly heat. I hate semicolons. I use them wrong a lot. I think I put one in my college essay. Oh well. I know I'm not really putting thoughts together and I'm just going off on tangents.

School is far less exciting that I expected. I guess I forgot how boring it is.  Yesterday I had orchestra long and today I had study long. Tomorrow I have the other orchestra long. At least we're ordering pizza. We do that a lot in chamber. All we do is eat and play rock band. It's fantastic. And the band room has AC.  I guess AC isn't really evolution but it makes people stop wanting what they can't have.  It's like an alternative to mother nature.  I don't really like that thought though. Technology is taking over so we don't have to deal with natural occurrences.  I'm glad I don't have AC in my house now.

I'm more pathetic than I sound sometimes. I'm becoming more dependent on other people and I hate that. It annoys me as much as it annoys them but it's a cycle I can't break. Sorry.

I think we're going to get my grandpa a puppy so he won't be lonely.  He always wanted one but my grandma wouldn't let him.  I'm excited. I love dogs.

It's 4 am and I'm still awake. Bleh.  I tried listening to music but I just ended up going through both Noah and the Whale albums I have about 4 times each.  And an Alexi Murdoch album 2 or 3 times.  I played sudoku on my zune until half the battery was gone (which takes a lot of playing). I usually clean my room when I can't sleep but I don't have any place to put the stuff on my desk right now. I want to brush my teeth again. My mouth feels gross. And my face feels gross. But going to the bathroom means waking everyone up.  Food would be nice right now too. Or water. I keep cracking my back every few minutes.  That's one of the best things about not being able to sleep. You lay in your bed for a while then sit up and you can crack your whole spine twice.  It's kinda lonely being awake now.  No one is online. No one is awake to text. The birds are already starting to wake up.  I think too much when I can't sleep. But it's not like normal thinking where there's actually an end to all the thoughts.I just think the same thing over and over about 100 times. It's like a rhythm.  The same words over and over and over exactly the same.  Or I'll start running my dances in my head. But only one little section over and over and over again.  The same with music. Never a full song. Just a few words of it.  It's really annoying and I don't know how to stop it.   I'm not sure why I can't sleep either.  This isn't my usual type of insomnia.  Maybe it's jet lag still? It's been a few days though, I should be back to normal by now.  I'd read my book but I don't want to turn on the lights- they're too bright. I have my laptop on the dimmest setting.  I'm going to Good Will and the Salvation Army tomorrow to find some clothes and shoes but I'll probably be dead by the time we leave.  I'm addicted to minesweeper and sudoku.  I can't stop. I do sudoku while walking. It's bad.  I hear birds.  I want to go outside.  I went driving yesterday (sunday) and I shouldn't be allowed near other cars for a year or two.  I'm really bad at parking and sometimes I hit the gas pedal instead of the brakes.. But I did see a deer.  Luckily it stayed on the side of the road.  No casualties on my first legal drive.  I think I'll go brush my teeth and stuff. Okay that's much better. I guess I'll try to read since there's nothing left to do and it will kill the repetition.

Single-serving friends

I love airplanes.  The fact that you're forced next to some stranger for hours at a time seems awful until you're actually in the situation.  On the flight from Las Vegas to San Francisco I met a man who was going to his family reunion.  He said at the last reunion they went to the bay to scatter the ashes of a family member.  He works at a Wal-Mart in Vegas and absolutely hates it.  He's treated badly and gets paid very little but he can't leave his job.  He gets put in the position of dealing with problems such as criminals and relationships.  He works well with people so he's able to deal well and ultimately ameliorate the problems.  He was talking to me about human nature with relationships, something I've thought about a lot recently, and how marriage has changed a lot since the 60s.  Marriage used to be solely for survival: reproduction to continue the human race. Arranged marriages.  Now marriage is for love. But, it's easy to love anyone.  You could have a soul-mate that you love but can't marry.  This is why people are having so many affairs- they love multiple people and can't be with them all at once.  Marriage is just for love now. Which is probably why the world is so overpopulated now.
On the flight to Boston I met a woman from Newton who works in the family business of the fishing industry.  I talked to her about colleges for a while and when I told her I play violin and viola she got really excited. She said, "See that man by the window over there? That's my husband.  He makes violins for a living."  She gave me her card and wrote his website on it: http://www.polsteinviolins.com/David_Polstein_Violin_Maker/HOME.html
It's a small world. You never know who you'll end up meeting.

I should stay away from people.  How come every friendship I have I ruin completely?  I can't control the things I say sometimes but if someone says something offending, I'm going to fight back.  I didn't used to do that and maybe that's why people are hating me for it. It's unexpected and they're used to pushing me around. But I'm sick of being pushed around!  I can lose a friend so quickly and so easily. I hate it. If I ever hurt you I didn't do it on purpose. It's just different for me. Gah. Imma leave society for a while. Hike the Appalachian Trail for 7 months. Alone. I won't hurt anyone or ruin any relationships. Sorry.

I decided to go raw. Or almost. I'll try to take it gradually.

I'm mostly doing it because I'm sick of what mass production and that kind of stuff is doing to society.  Half the stuff people eat now shouldn't even be considered food.  Another reason is because I wanted to go vegan again. It's not like I'm morally opposed to eating meat or anything- if I was stuck in the wilderness I would totally eat anything that moved. I wouldn't sacrifice myself for some cute bunny or deer. But it's more for health reasons. Our bodies have evolved so we can't digest meat like we used to.  And I'm lactose intolerant so and dairy product should go anyway.  But most food now just makes me really sick.  Growing up I thought it was normal to feel really sick after eating....it's not. Apparently that doesn't happen to most people.  So I figured that if I start eating raw I'll get more nutrients and I'll feel a lot healthier.

So yeah..that's about it.

Oh yeah, I got my Zune (well..a new one that they sent instead-black not red- which is incredibly more stylish than the red I have to say.) so I'm syncing all my music. And I'm doing it all in parts now because I broke the last one by trying to sync 10,000 songs all at once and it fried the hard drive. Oops.

It doesn't feel like summer. I feel like I should still be freaking out about trying to pass honors chemistry (worse decision of my life). It felt weird going through my backpack an hour ago and recycling all of my chemistry papers.  I'm not even taking a science next year. What a relief.  

I got my first sunburn of the year. It's terrible too.  I went kayaking today so my back is all splotchy from where the seat rubbed off the sunscreen and my thighs are burnt up to where my shorts were.  And unfortunately my year-old bathing suit no longer has stretchy elastic so the butt was all saggy and annoying me and the halter top was loose so my boobs are sufficiently burnt on the sides.

I've been social lately. It's different for me. Usually I find myself making up plans to avoid parties and social gatherings of sorts. 

I've decided that after I get out of college I'm gonna take like 2 months and just travel. By foot that is.  Some long trail that I can just backpack on. Jack London and Emerson have got my brain thinking differently lately.  My goal for this week is to finish The Conduct of Life by Emerson. I'm still on chapter one. Studying comes before reading.

lerhrewahg;fvi

I need friends. I've been lonely lately.  I think I need summer. But I'll end up not doing anything anyway because people don't wanna hang out with me.

Bleh.

Early morning encounter with nature

This morning I woke up to a baby robin trying to fly into my room.  It hooked its feet onto my screen and was flapping around.  After it gave up it fell into the bush below the window.  I took my screen out in an attempt to reach it and pick it up but it was a foot too far away.  So then I went down onto my deck and climbed onto the railing and the baby bird was close enough to reach.  I didn't want to grab it to take it down from the tree; It needed to learn how to do that by itself. But I reached up and it wasn't at all afraid of me.  I usually avoid eye contact with wild animals (you've seen the movies...eye contact scares them) but this bird wasn't scared when I made eye contact so I put my hand right in front of its stomach and it didn't flinch.  So then I stroked its wings really lightly and it seemed to like me. I stood there stoking its back for a few minutes and then took the risk and pet its stomach.  Just petting its wings is a risk because it makes them feel like they can't fly away but petting their stomach means you're closer to their more vulnerable areas. I named the bird Lucinda : ) After a while I think it was ready to fly again.  It took off and flew to a tree across the yard.  I just hope that if it comes back it will remember me.

Yesterday I had a flashback and it's the oldest thing that I can remember. It was when I still lived in Virginia so I was younger than 2 years old. When we lived there we used to go to these concerts every Thursday.  So in this flashback we were at a Beatles tribute concert that was outside at night and I can only remember like 2 seconds of it when I was going across the grass in front of the band (probably in a stroller). Maybe it's significant that my earliest memory was a Beatles tribute concert haha.

I need to cut my hair again. Not because it's too long or anything. I just want to cut it.

I've put all my web pages in Norwegian. This is either because of cultural interest or procrastination. I can't decide which. Maybe a little of both?

It's weird having hot weather like this. It doesn't seem right in April (well it isn't) and it's making me crave vacation even more.  It's somehow relaxing though. Like when you get to the end of the school year and you're just so carefree and it's sunny and beautiful out.  That's how I feel now.  Like all of my stress is gone.

The Moldy Peaches are great.  I haven't listened to them in a whiiiiile. I basically forgot about them. I'm listening now. C:  Kimya Dawson is so crazy.

I don't have much to say lately (hence the very few posts).  I can't wait for the barn bash.  I've started counting down days. Pathetic, right? It's just nice having a social life sometimes...

Velociraptor baby

I ruined easter.

My stomach pains have gotten worse over the past week and today I bent over really quickly and it felt like someone took a machete to my stomach and sliced it open. It was the worst pain I've ever felt.  I couldn't move for 15 minutes and its still hurts now.  I should have gone to the ER.  I'm going to the hospital tomorrow probably.  I'm getting to know my way around there...

Anyway...I hope I can make it through the day tomorrow. I don't want to miss orchestra long block. We're doing tie dye. Speaking of which, I tie dyed a ton of stuff on friday.  It all came out amazing. I'm wearing my shirt tomorrow.

another boring post about music.

I don't have much to say lately. Things are normal I guess (as normal as they can be) and I'm fine with that. I'm getting kind of bored though. I taught a viola lesson today. Not by choice..it was forced upon me by D-Milz when I was trying to practice but I can't really complain. The girl was a freshman and she was really sweet. I think it was harder for me on viola because I could barely read the music but she was just beginning so the songs were extremely easy. D-Milz came in to check about every 15 minutes (we were there for almost an hour) and we had made a lot more progress than he had expected. He told us to work on one page of her book and move onto the next if she could and we ended up doing 4 pages. It's really rewarding to noticeably see someone improve just because you put a few minutes of your time into helping them. She was about 5 times better after that lesson. I'm really considering giving lessons as a job. I've wanted to for a while but I never had time. [if anyone knows of beginners/intermediates who want lessons, let me know pleaseeeee!] My friend Tom got his first paying gig today. I'm so proud of him! haha. He's playing at a church on Easter. Next year I hope he can play weddings with me since Chris will be in college. Mrs. Clark (Emma's mom, if you know her) told me that if I have a permanent group together to play weddings, I could get a gig almost every weekend and get a lot more money than I could get from an ordinary job.

I keep having weird dreams. Imma post 'em so you can read them if you really want to. It's weird how when you're telling someone your dreams you remember dreams you had a long time ago that you had forgotten the second you woke up. It's like you're tapping into that part of your brain that remembers dreams. Sometimes I can't remember when I had the dream. If it was that night or years ago. Right now I just remembered a dream I had about a year ago but I don't remember enough to tell it. Something with looking for shells on this dirty beach and you couldn't get caught in the waves because the water was acid (there was a huge factory across from the shore that was making the sky all black and polluting the water). Well, heres my dream from last night.

Part 1

My cousins and I were in my grandma's house (which wasn't really my grandmas house) and we had to hide from something (I think it was the parents). So we were all trying to find places to hide and I went into a bedroom and found a latch with pull down stairs on the ceiling. I opened it but instead of stairs there was a sheet attached, holding it up. Somehow I managed to climb through and, with the help of my cousin, pull the door back up. I was in this weird attic thing and I found some stairs that I could hide under. We kept get younger and younger so the younger we got, the more places we could hide.

Part 2

I was camping out by this swamp that was about waist deep and one day I decided to go for a swim. It was covered in that green slime you see on swamps and the sides were all mossy and gross. I don't know why I was swimming there because when I got halfway out I started to get really scared and disgusted from being out there. I had a backpack on and I was swimming in my dress with the teddy bears that I used to wear all the time when I was little. As I started to turn around I dropped everything out of my back pack and only had time to pick up two of the three things. I left my school binder because it fell so far away. This binder had all of my school stuff in it and it was sinking to the bottom of the swamp. I knew I could have swam back to get it but I was afraid something under the green slime would attack me. I got out and ran to my mom to tell her that I left my binder there. She told me i would need chest waders (google them if you don't know what they are) to be able to go back out there. So a day later we were at home and I had to go around to people in my neighborhood asking if they had any chest waders (although I kept calling them galoshes). So I went next door and asked this group of elderly people if they had any galoshes and one old woman who was clearly not comprehending anything I said gave me a handful of pink pills and said "galoshes." I told her they weren't galoshes and handed them back to her. She wouldn't take them though. She kept forcing them back in my hand saying "galoshes." I finally gave up and pocketed them. Another old man didn't know what galoshes were but handed me a few lit matches. I went back through the woods to my house knowing that it was probably hopeless to go look for it because the paper would have probably disintegrated by now.

Part 3

A ton of older people and I were sent on a mission to this strange planet and our part of the mission was completely random. We got on this boat and they sent about 5 of, us including me, down into this little pod/submarine thing. This guy was driving it and we were sent to where these alien monster killing machines were. We had to kill them all off but they were vicious and you couldn't hide from them. If they found you hiding they'd kill you and eat you. I was one of the only people left and I knew I couldn't kill them myself so I went down inside their ship and I found the pod thing and (while the aliens were chasing me) got back in. The driver was sleeping and I thought he was dead so I shook him and he woke up and drove us out of there. The end.

My name is Mackenzie. I am an addict.

I'm addicted to playing violin. You'd probably say it's good but here are the down sides:
-carpal tunnel syndrome
-insane back problems
-inability to move my neck for 10 minutes after I play
-calloused fingertips
-painful fingertips
-hand cramps
-forearm cramps
-shoulder problems
-eye problems from staring at the music
-lack of motivation for other things

I've been staying after school almost every day to practice and then I practice more when I get home. Despite all the pain, I keep playing. I can't stop...
I've played trough Chaconne at least 6 times today. It's a 20 minute long piece. That's two hours of just that song. I think I'll stop for the night. I've been playing since 3. That's almost 6 hours.

I had a dream about the end of the world. I have vivid and strange dreams when I take naps.

They kept talking on the news about how they were going to blow up the moon. They didn't think that it would effect the earth it all but they weren't sure. They scheduled a time for the missile to launch so the world could see the explosion. I was driving with my dad at the time, past thousands of people waiting and staring up at the sky. I looked up at the moon just in time to see the fiery missile crash into the surface. The moon exploded into a million pieces like a giant firework. I waited for the earth to stop spinning or to shake but nothing happened. My dad drove faster to get to the hotel we were going to so we could be with our friends if something happened. We reached the hotel which was filled with people. It was really run down and people were fitting about 20 to a room. The more frightening part was that before the missile was shot, a group of people started to take over part of the world in case something did happen. They were called the W...something. I don't remember but it started with a W. We were the M..somethings. They dressed in blue and black uniforms and carried large rifles around with them. The hotel had been turned into a concentration camp of sorts. We weren't allowed to sing or enjoy the company of our friends or do anything that they didn't like. In the small bathrooms that we shared there were drawers under the sink. They weren't even wood but little crates 1'x5". Here we could keep our personal belonging and they would be safe from the W people. The women were segregated from the men for most of the time but when the W people left the building we would mix. Guards were stationed in the streets, ready to shoot anyone who tried to escape. While at the hotel I met a few boys who became my best friends. We formulated a plan to try to escape. Every so often a few people who open the front door and try to make a run for it but soon enough the rest of the W force was there and arrested or shot them down. Sometimes there were just bodies lying in the street. It was always dark now. The sun never shone. One day my friends and I went to one of the rooms and down a back hallway and found a way out into the woods. That was the first day the sun came out.

Somebody, anybody, please help me save my friend. I love him too much to not take any action but I don't know what to do.

Even when I'm right, I'm wrong.

Stupid parents. I saw Alice last night with my best friend who I rarely see because she goes to Burncoat so I was really happy all night and so I had so much energy. So I was skipping all around and talking really fast and just being crazy (I'm always like that around her) and I just had a really good night. So last night after she left I got really sick and my stomach killed and it still hurts today (possible stomach bug) and so my dad comes into the room about 15 minutes ago and says "I'm proud of how you're pulling your act together but your mother says you were acting strange last night. Did you take anything?"

NO!! Dammit! I've been clean for at least a month now. Is there something wrong with being happy now? Do you expect me not to be happy and immediately assume I'm on something? I can't win! Even when I'm not depressed and clean they think I'm a terrible child! I hate this. They probably don't even believe me now! Anything I say must be a lie, right? WRONG. Just stop this. It's stupid. I'm clean. Drug test me if you really want to! I don't care because it'll come out negative! dammit.

la de da de da de d-d-d-d-da

Today was a good day. Sort of a day of revelations. I wasn't planning on a good day because of the vocab quiz I had to take in english before school. It went like this:
Mr. Tarmey- Do you have any questions before you take the quiz? Do you want to look over any words or have me check any sentences for context clues? Do you need any help at all?
Me- No, I just looked at the words. I think I'm good.
Tarmey- What did you get on the last quiz?
Me- Uhhh....60.
Tarmey- Are you positive you don't want any help?
Me- No, I got it.
(I take the quiz and pass it in)
Tarmey- I'll grade it right now so you can see how you did.
Me- *Damn. If I failed again he'll ask me why I didn't ask for help.*
Tarmey- 100. You got it!
Me- Yes! Thanks!

...and I skip out of the room smiling. Although I did get a 30 on the last quiz I took so combined with this one my average still went down 5 points...to a 74. Bleh. I have time. I'll get it up...somehow. I wish I didn't suck at critiques.

I had string orchestra first. I love orchestra so much. Even if I hate d-milz I still love orchestra. I have chamber long tomorrow. That's exciting. I played my viola in my lesson today. I really love it. Almost more than violin. The tone is so much richer and it's just a beautiful sounding instrument. I'll still stick with violin but play viola more. I can go further with viola anyway. If I want to join an orchestra the competition for viola is much lower than for violin.

I haven't showered in 4 days. And I don't really care. I washed my hair in the sink with baking soda last night and threw a bandanna on this morning as a headband. Surprisingly a lot of people complimented me... They were like "Oh you're hair looks nice like that!" Really..because it's a total mess and yeah it's curly because I let it dry while I slept and I'm wearing something in my hair and I have a dread.. Yeah I started making a dread. Just one. It's kinda messy at the moment because it's a baby but it's coming along. I have a bead in it so it looks a little nicer. I think it looks cool..or is gong to look really cool. My parents havent really noticed because I put my hair up or put the bandanna over it but they'll see soon enough. They might not like it but it's not like it's my whole head. and with competition I can easily hide it because it's small.

I took a chem quiz after school and it was really easy. I learned everything last night. Mrs. Paradise didn't think I would be ready to take it but I told her in class and she said she'll make up a quiz for me C: I'm finally understanding school. And doing my homework. It feels nice to be productive. And not have bronchitis (okay well I'm not completely cured but I'm closer to being healthy).

Nathaniel Hawthorne is one of my favorite writers. I've always loved him and now that we're analyzing his work in english I love him even more. Mr. Tarmey's class blows my mind. Although I have a C it's my favorite class. I'll catch up eventually.

There's a trap door somewhere.

I finally got in contact with one of my close friends (although he lives an ocean away) because we had lost touch. And by this I mean he was completely gone from all of my contact lists. Facebook. Skype. deviantART. He wouldn't return my texts or my emails. Finally I found him on dA and I sent him a message asking him why he wouldn't respond. Today he finally responded and we got caught up with each other. He told me the reason he couldn't respond is because his girlfriend won't let him talk to other girls, especially girls who are close to him as I am. He told me that his girlfriend tells him he's the worst thing that ever walked on this planet and how if he leaves her she'll kill herself. She abuses herself and him. His friends know about it but they aren't the kind of people to take action and his parents only know part of the story but know that there is something not right with her. Being a victim in an abusive relationship he has no idea how to get out of it. All I can recall is those videos we watched in health and how similar this is and it scares me so much to see him in this situation. I told him that the only way out it to go to counseling or some kind of relationship therapy or a group. He dropped out of college because she has taken so much out of him. I don't want him to suffer like this. I'm trying all I can to help him. He was supposed to visit this month and I was counting down to it but since he's no longer in school, he can't go on the trip. I don't want his girlfriend to find out that I'm talking to him so I'm only communicating via dA messages. He's one of the greatest, most caring and compassionate friends that anyone could have and that's probably why he's in this situation. He doesn't even love her now. In fact he hates her but he still could never see her get hurt. He wants help for her. If anyone can give me advice on how to handle this situation, please please please help me! I don't want to lose my best friend.

The times they are a changin'

Time for another lifestyle change.
I'm reducing the amount of chemicals that go on and into my body to an all time low. I've been using natural products and eating unprocessed food. I cut back my showers to every other day and I use cornmeal and baking soda to wash my hair and face for a dry shower. Baking soda is a great deodorant too. Lemon juice clears up acne. I stopped wearing makeup besides stage makeup for competition. I stopped using hairspray and hair products (again, with the exception of competitions). I might even go vegan again and I probably should because some of the things I eat now keep making me sick. Right now I have bronchitis so I've been using honey and horehound for my cough. Besides my prescribed medications, I'm not going to take any kind of pill. There are always natural alternatives.

For anyone who actually read through that:
I'm sorry for boring you to death.

So long, Marianne

I'm dying.
Anyone care to donate a lung?

I have some sort of lung infection/mysterious coughing disease. It's kinda really painful. My lungs feel like they're filled with needles and bees. Very pleasant.

Now I have tons of makeup work and I can't even focus in school to do classwork because breathing hurts and then i start having coughing fits and I probably shouldn't be going to school.

Blehhhhh.

Well the competition went well. One of our dances won first place overall so it's gunna be on the website for the competition. That's cool I guess. Except now everyone can see me kick this other girl on my team in the head.

The rain is so beautiful. The wind is equally beautiful. I opened my window as wide as it could go and leaned backward out into the storm. Hanging upside down intensifies the experience. Everything looks new and exotic. The rain from the gutter would drip onto my chin, across my cheek, and into my windblown hair. I felt free with my hands hanging wide open. I must have looked like a corpse hanging out of a window to passersby. I stayed there until my ribs ached and my fingers were numb...only to lean back out a few minutes later.

Catching a raindrop in the center of your palm is one of those rare moments that is so small but so seems so significant.

Some movies..

Yesterday I noticed that I haven't really seen any new movies so since I was home sick I watched some movies from free movies on demand. The Sundance Channel/Film Festival has a lot of really good films.

The first movie I watched was a Spanish movie called El Bola. It's about this young boy named Pablo who lives in a very violent environment. His father beats him and he's sort of neglected by his friends. One day this other boy named Alfredo transfers to his school and they become friends. Alfredo's family is very loving and fun and they treat Pablo as if he were their own son. When Pablo's father finds out about this he becomes very violent and prohibits Pablo from seeing them again. It's a beautiful movie. You should watch it.

The movie I'm watching today is Born into Brothels. It's a documentary about these children growing up in the red light district of Calcutta. This woman gives all of the children cameras and basically teaches them to see the world in a different way. Along with teaching them this, she puts their photography in exhibitions to raise money to get them out of the brothels. She tries to get them educations and just remove them from that society because the children are on the road to becoming prostitutes and drug addicts and violent people. One of the factors that determines if they can receive an education is if they are HIV positive. Fortunately, when the children are tested they all come back negative. One of the little girls is forced to work all day starting at 4 am. She cooks and cleans and takes care of people when she is only about 10 years old. She works so hard that she barely has time to rest. She gets paid for her work to help her family but if she goes to the boarding school, the family will lose that small income. Despite these factors, the children will only have opportunities in life if they receive an education. The children are beautiful. The things they say are so profound for their age. They all seem so mature although they are still kids.
These are some quotes from the kids:

Avijit

"I used to want to be a doctor. Then I wanted to be an artist. Now I want to be a photographer..."

Gour

"I want to show in pictures how people live in this city. I want to put across the behavior of man."

Shanti

"Zana Auntie teaches us so well that everything goes into our brain. We like doing photography so much that we forget to do our work!"

Suchitra

"When I have a camera in my hands I feel happy. I feel like I am learning something...I can be someone."

Tapasi

"When we first got to use the camera, it felt so good. Before we never had a chance...we'd watch other people doing it and wish we had a camera too."

it won't make a sound 'til you're through

Sometimes I wish that scar on my leg would grow and grow until it covered my entire body. I wouldn't have to feel anything again. A cocoon of apathy. I could just hide away from the world and be unfazed by everything that touches me.

I need to start over again. No drugs. No broken promises. No oversleeping. No spacing out during school. My heads rolling around on the ground and I need to sew it back on again with white, untainted thread. Untainted.

I think I need to start small. Obviously cut out drugs, focus on schoolwork, and maybe go out more. Like a date or something. I need to care about someone else because if I care about another person enough, I'll just fall into place right where I need to be. But...that's kind of a problem. Because I won't get a date. Maybe I should just get a dog. Or an invisible friend.


On a lighter (sort of) note, check out this website. It's hilarious but at the same time it makes you lose hope in society. People can be so utterly stupid. I might get it for my mom for her birthday...
http://notalwaysright.com
At least I'm not alone in hating the majority of society.

I think I'll go to Boston.

Yesterday was my college touring day.

We started out at Boston Conservatory with low expectations to begin with. The second we walked in the building I wanted to leave. The admissions building was about 500 years old. We finally go on the actual tour and it takes all of 20 minutes maybe. We went down the floors of one building and the guide was like, "Well here's a concert hall, and here's another concert hall that looks just like it, and those are practice rooms, and this is the student center." The student center was about the size of my bedroom. It had a tiny window for a cafe a a few couches. Lovely. The worst part of it was the dorm. The rooms are tiny and wicked old and none of them are the same size you you could be crammed into a closet-sized room with one or two other people or have a giant room to yourself. The guide told us how on of his friends ended up with a room that was the old library. Humongous and unfair. My mom asked if there were practice rooms anywhere in the dorm building and the guide told us, "There is a strict no practicing policy in the dorm building. You can't even sing." Like seriously, what the fuck. No way am I even applying to go there. They're all stuck up and gahh, horrible.

We then got to go to Berkley. The second we walked into the admissions building I loved it. The guy at the desk randomly started singing opera and then he was whistling. Even the booklets and stuff were spectacular. (Boston Conservatory only had this little brochure that didn't even mention the music program. That's utter crap. And the people at the desk were like "I own this school because I eat, sleep, and breathe my major. I don't even eat food anymore because I'm too busy being perfect at everything. blah blah blah blah.) Anyway, the tour had to be split into two groups because it was like 40 people whereas the other tour was about 8. Just the people on the tour made me want to go there so bad. They were like, normal music-loving people. I was one of two girls on the tour. Most of the guys were guitarists or bassists or drummers that have bands and stuff. The tour took like 1.5 hours and I enjoyed every second of it. The buildings are beautiful, the people are beautiful, the music is beautiful. Everything is fantastic. The whole atmosphere is so casual too.

Then we saw the Harry Potter Exhibit at the science museum which was soooo cool.

I think I want to tour Oberlin next. My camp counselor Kivie went there for cello and he said it was the best 4 years of his life. Too bad it's in Bumblefuck, Ohio.

See how they run.

I enjoy tassels immensely.

Raise your hand if you actually read my blog.

turn on your love light

I blame the insomnia on my bupropion. I also blame my lack of appetite on them. In the past 36 hours I've eaten a bowl of cereal and an apple (until right now- I had a crepe). But now I feel like I'm gunna projectile vomit crepes all over my walls. I feel terrible. It's like having the stomach flu when I try to eat. I can see why one of the side effects of them is weight loss. People just become annorexic. Then they have even more problems. Great. I heard this thing about people giving obese people bupropion so they lose weight. Yup. That would work. Maybe they should sell it at MacDonalds.
My brain is telling me I'm hungry because I've basically eaten nothing and I have no energy but my stomach is like "NO!" It is forcefully yelling at me and kicking my insides in protest. Shut up stomach.

jonsi & alex

I hate insomnia. It came back. Not full blown because my meds prevent insomnia (or they're supposed to) but I can only get an hour to two hours of sleep a night, if that. Usually I clean my room when I don't sleep but I don't have the energy. I did before but I did about 50 push-ups and it was gone. Now I'm just kinda, wide awake but lazy. I should try to do homework but I don't want to turn on my light. I'm watching a movie online instead.

Look up Jonsi & Alex. It's the singer from Sigur Ros and his friend.

These hallucinations are weird. I'm attributing them to lack of sleep. I don't even find them disturbing. They seem completely normal. Like my door is stretched out across my wall. And there's this brown snake living in my mirror. But it's all normal to me.

darling dear what have you done

My life goal is to be able to play Bach's Chaconne perfectly. It's said to be one of the saddest songs ever written.
part one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uCdKH_zHVs
part two: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdtU0T4Ukd8

Just getting through all nine pages is so difficult. I feel like my arm is going to fall off or something. Hilary Hahn is such a great violinist. Joshua Bell too. Around 4:30 in part 2 is my favorite part to play. But it's all so goddamn difficult!

I'm playing another Bach piece for my lesson and it's beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdKWZqy1g0E
I spend like, hours, trying to perfect it. Not even close right now haha.

Violin is really becoming an obsession for me. I mean, I'm blogging about it haha. When I'm bored I sit on my bed and play for hours until my back starts hurting (which gets to be a pain. I have so many back problems from violin and dance).

I started viola. I love it so much. I've always loved deep toned instruments. They sound so nice. It's pretty similar to violin but the music is all in alto clef whereas violin music is in treble. It's tough to switch over.

My silver dress is falling apart. I wear it too much. It has holes all over. But I still love it to death (literally I guess..). Maybe I'll find another dress at Sally's Boutique on Wednesday.

I've been listening to The Decemberists far too much but I can't stop. Picturesque is such a good album. When I make a playlist I have to always put The Decemberists, Monsters of Folk, Iron & Wine, and Janis Joplin on it. Every time. I went through a phase where I listened to Me & Bobby McGee at least three times a day. I love that song. But only the Janis Joplin version. I tried listening to the Grateful Dead version and they completely changed the lyrics. I love the Grateful Dead but I just couldn't listen to it.

Leonard Cohen is also amazing. I could listen to him for days. Chelsea Hotel no. 2 is probably my favorite song. He wrote it for Janis Joplin. You should probably go listen right now...

I just realized this blog is pretty much all about music. Imma go to college for music :}

A Declaration of Rights

Dear Mother and Father,

I am directing this at you because I know you are reading this via bugging my computer and/or stalking my personal websites, neither of which you have the constitutional authority to do. I, as a citizen or the United States of America, have the same natural rights as both of you: Life, liberty, property. As a citizen under the Constitution, I am also entitled to freedom of/to speech, religion, press, assembly, and petition according to the first amendment. I am also allowed the right to deny my parents to read my mail, which you have blatantly failed to observe. Minors are often denied the majority of these rights which is unconstitutional; It it not specified in the Constitution that minors are to be treated unequally. By denying one their natural and civil rights, the person in question is therefore going against the Constitution, and therefore the government of the United States of America.

There is also another right that I, even as a minor, am entitled to: emancipation. Although this isn't an option for me at the moment, it is still a consideration that you should think about before further invasion of privacy and violation of rights. I am sixteen and therefore have the legal right to emancipate myself though I strongly do not wish to do so because I would be uncovered by health insurance, etc. Therefore, you should take into consideration the extremity of your actions. To quote the Fourteen Points, a speech delivered by president Woodrow Wilson in a proposal to establish peace amongst the belligerent nations during World War One. The fourth point states, "Adequate guarantees given and taken that national armaments will be reduced to the lowest point consistent with domestic safety." The "protection" that you've placed on my privacy and my person should be "reduced to the lowest point consistent with domestic safety." This would therefore reestablish a level of protection in accordance to protection that was enforced before the retroactive protection of the recent months.

I, therefore, should have full legal right to life, liberty, and property. As of late, you have given me one of my three natural rights. As for the other two rights, actions should be taken to ensure my privacy (mainly of my room, laptop, and phone calls); my right to freedom of expression, speech, press, assembly, and petition; and personal protection of property belonging solely to me.

Green Tea and Lima Beans

I finally got to go hiking today. A friend and I went up to Wachusett Meadow and hiked up Brown Hill. It was nice. We saw a hawk and a porcupine. We carved some stuff out of wood too. I made a hippo and a sharp dagger-like object to ward off ninjas and the such.

I also sliced my finger open. Probably shouldn't have been using a knife in that state of mind but my fingers were also numb so I couldn't really feel it. It cut from like, the side of my finger to the edge of the nail. Gushing blood. Of course we didn't have bandages so we used duct tape and a tissue. The tissue was soaked red when I took it off. yummy

It's a souvenir in the shape of switzerland

I don't think I've ever actually blogged my most recent injury. It's really quite the thrilling tale.

So this summer I went to Switzerland to hike the Alps (best experience of my life) and we met up with some old friends that live just outside of Basel. We toured the city one day and ended up at this restaurant with a ton of ads on the paper place mats. After looking at mine I point to an ad and tell my dad, "We're going here, okay?" And he was like, "Sure, we can go tomorrow." The ad I pointed to was for this Forest Jump place which is this gigantic high ropes course.

http://www.forestjump.ch/

The moms and my sister decided to go to this old castle and do some geocaching around the area while the dads, Sara, Laura, and I took the train out of the city to go do some climbing. The place was so much bigger than I could imagine. There were 7 or 8 different courses ranging from easy to extremely difficult. Of course we decided to go on the extremely difficult one our second time around after dong a medium one for warm up. The difficult one consisted of all of the elements of a high ropes course: cargo net traverse about 10m off the ground, wire traverse, rope traverse (the one where you're just hanging by your hands and you have to monkey over to the other side), swinging log traverse (at this point we saw a guy cry and have to be helped down by the workers >_< ), and of course the zip lines. We got all the way through that one and then moved onto one that was basically all zip lines just for the fun of it (it was also the highest course, the highest part being about 20m up).

We were about 3/4 through the course when it happened. I hooked myself into the longest of the lines and sped through the trees. I started twisting around and I couldn't twist back in time. I finally straightened myself out but it was too late. I should have been slowing down at that point but I was still going full speed. My legs swung around and smashed into the platform at about 20 mph. My left leg got the full impact of it, the right got nothing. I was in so much pain but I didn't even cry. I could barely unhook myself from the lines because I couldn't stand up. I sat on the platform and used my right leg to push myself to reach the cables.

In 30 seconds the area of impact on my shin was swollen an inch high and about 4 inches in diameter. A few minutes later it looked like I had another knee it was so massive. Then it turned the usual pretty colors: red, purple, blue, green, yellow. A whole rainbow of internal bleeding (such a pleasant thought, right?). Anyway, I managed to finish the rest of the course using only my right leg and arms... It was really strange actually.

When we got back to the house I iced it a ton but the swelling didn't go down at all. It was filled with so much fluid. (I didn't even scratch it at all, only direct impact). I also had pretty extensive nerve damage where I hit it. My dad said the nerve damage would go away with the swelling. He was wrong. It's been 6 months; the swelling went down a month ago but the nerve damage is still there. There is also a dent in my shin that is about 1/2 cm deep. It's really weird not being able to feel it.

Purple Nachos

No one even reads this.

I had a bunch of things going through my head today. But I don't remember any of them.

fetal wreaths

My shoulders are killing me. I think I tore the other too. I really wouldn't doubt it. Nothing I can do about it though.

I've hard random urges to watch old movies and shows. Futurama, Doug, Monthy Python and the Holy Grail.. etc. Probably because I haven't watched television in soooo long. Actually I watched...yesterday I think. For about half an hour. I watched Border Wars which is actually pretty interesting. Illegal immigrants smuggling drugs over the border...Very interesting. I was glued to it. I'm never interested in tv. My mom was amazed.

Short blog. I'm kinda tired. My bed is so warm right now. I might sleep now.

my titles will no longer have any relevance.

LJBWEVCBEHBGVFB

I forgot about the wedding in May that I'm supposed to play for. And it's not like I'm doing lousy background music, I'm playing through the ENTIRE thing. This is my first wedding gig and I'm freaking out because the bride is coming on the 13th to hear what we (oboe player and I) have together. He still has my music so I have yet to organize anything. Luckily I'm getting some of my energy back so I can practice. I would have tonight if I had the music. blehbelhbeljheljkwblevbwag. angrygrunt.

My dad and I are going to build a bookshelf in my room. God, the last thing I built was for my freshman science project (well besides entire sets for drama). I'm glad that I can finally do more building.

And I get to go hiking this weekend. I've been dying to go. I'm taking a friend and we're gunna go on an excursion through the woods/up mountains with our gear and snowshoes :} I'm so happy. I haven't been on a real winter hike in a loooooong time.

I'm like, doing things I used to. These meds might actually work! (I took 2 today-fantastic)

I feel like fighting someone. Just for the thrill of it. Like Fight Club. Wachusett's Fight Club. Super Happy Fun Club- that's more like it.

I went flying outta my window.

I figured something out today.

People I trust are yellow.
People I'm not sure I trust are red.
People I don't trust are blue.
also,
People I don't know are yellow.

I guess that little part of my subconscious that controls my syn is telling me that I try to look for the best in people before I get to know them. But then anything that gives me a reason not to trust them will turn them red or blue.

I feel like a freak. Please assure me I'm not. Or that I am. Or whatever. No one reads this.

Before today I hadn't really noticed a pattern in that. I guess I should have seen that with past relationships. I saw him go from yellow, to red, to blue, and I didn't think anything of it. And I'm stupid. Because I could have saved myself from killing him inside. I should stop doing this to myself. I think maybe I should tell my psychiatrist that these meds aren't working for me. That would be the smart thing. Rather than become a vegetable. I slept all day today. I'd say I'm becoming nocturnal because I sleep all day but I also sleep all night. I probably sleep 18/24 hours. That's 75% of the day.

I think I'll become vegan again. Not really because of the whole "animal cruelty" thing but because so much food makes me sick. I'm a lactose intolerant vegetarian with acid reflux disease and vitamin D deficiency. That kind of eliminates a lot of food. Anyway, being vegan is a lot healthier. It prevents me from eating all that disgusting processed food that comes individually packaged in air-tight plastic wrappers.

My shoulders have been hurting so much lately. I tore my labrum in my left shoulder from dislocating it twice. I have really loose joints. Just putting on a jacket or swinging my arm can dislocate it. My doctor told me I can never rock climb again. I cried. I think I already said this in an earlier post. Anyway, surgery won't help but I'll need it if PT doesn't work. Which kinda sucks. Having my shoulders cut open even though it might not help. whudda fuck.

Playing/practicing violin has become as terrible as doing school work. I have no motivation. I love it but instead of doing it I just sleep. The lethargy is killing me slowly. Sometimes I put sleeping before eating meals. Lately all I eat is a bowl of cereal, a granola bar, and some rice. Probably not too good. My antidepressants are supposed to have the opposite side effects: insomnia, increased appitite, mania...etc. Maybe my psychiatrist will just increase my dosage.

I guess I have been hungry. It's just that no food looks appetizing. And everything tastes bad and makes me really sick. To the point where it feels like I've been eating knives. My mom can't figure out what's wrong either. I just force myself to eat and live through it. I've always had terrible stomach problems. It's not really anything new, just intensified.

I lost all my friends. Except maybe one or two. No, just one- who's slowly drifting away. I have social anxiety so it's kinda hard talking to people in person. Or just being around people in general. It's nice to find people who just glow yellow and I feel really comfortable around them. Others cause my mania. Which sucks. I'll just bounce off the walls all day/night because I have comfortable human contact. It's like I'm trapped inside myself for really long periods of time and when I get the opportunity I just fly. Then the next day those people just think I'm crazy and they don't want to be around me. Obviously I can't keep friends. Then I get really self-conscious and I can't be near people and it's just a huge cycle. I just wish you would know that I want to be your friend for that reason, I feel comfortable around you without any of the mania. You might think its for "novelty" or whatever but it's definately not. at all. So stop thinking that. There are very few people I feel this way around.

I remember in either preschool or kindergarden there was a little boy. I think his name was Ahmed. But he just like, glowed red. I didn't even know what it was because I didn't know that what I had was synesthesia. But one day I saw him at the grocery store and I said hi and all that but I went on to say "I bet I can guess your favorite color!" and of course he was skeptical and he was like "Okay prove it." So i guessed red and coincidentally it turned out to be right. I tried guessing other people's favorite colors after that. Didn't work so well, haha. (I've always been such a freak). Then I started to realize that their "aura" so to say was not their favorite color.

I think "T" is my favorite letter ever. It's the only letter that's purple. It's such a pretty purple too. It's that royal purple. Sometimes it can be like, lavender, depending on the context. My friend has the prettiest name. His first name is gold, lavender, and magenta and his last name is teal, blue, and royal purple with a little bit of gold. I love gold. I bought gold paint to paint my room. I don't think any of the letters are even gold. Just a combination of them. Most letters are yellow or orange or a combination or the two. I told him that one day. He's the only one who understands me. I guess that's why I started talking to him so much. One of those yellow people. I talk to him every day and it's such a relief being able to tell him what's on my mind without being ridiculed or judged. Which happens far too often.

I think I'm sick. I have to have my window open because I'm so hot in here.

I'm getting kinda sick of wearing clothes. Honestly, I probably wouldn't if there weren't laws against indecent exposure. I'm just tired of being "socially acceptable." It's a pain. I hate having to shower every day. Pick out clothes. Put them on. Bleh. I asked my mom if I could join a nudist cult. She told me to wait till it gets warmer (jokingly).

I wrote a lot. I should probably be reading Rip Van Winkle but I can't bring myself to do it. No motivation. Maybe I'll be "sick" again tomorrow. Or all semester. The nurse knows everything. I'm allowed to go lay down there whenever I need to. I shouldn't take advantage of that. I haven't gone yet but I probably will soon. It's better than sleeping in Latin (which I still have a 100 in).

No one reads the titles.

"Have you taken your pills today?"
-yes, dad.
"All of them?"
-yes, dad.

This conversation happens every morning. It reminds me how much I've changed lately. I meet with my psychiatrist this week. She'll ask how the meds are working and if there are any side effects. I'll probably tell her they work just fine. But in all honesty, they make me feel like a robot. The ADHD meds do nothing. I have no idea what's going on in any of my classes. I try so hard to remember but I just can't. I'm afriad of starting American Lit. I know I won't do well.

I want to go to college for music therapy. Not so much for the reason that I could help people (because I'm not great at that) but so I could show people how beneficial music can be.

Well I should go take those pills.

fever dream

It's daytime at night and their eyes reflect the moon. It's more than just a sense.

random rant..

i was thinking. people don't really see things anymore. they just assume that they're seeing something. you know? Like with colors.

influence by context.

like at night. a white house could look lavender when you know it's really white. people jump to the conclusion that the house is supposed to be white so it has to look white, even if it's not. people don't stop and say "oh that house is lavender right now even though i know it's really white."

like this whole thing too http://www.kyb.mpg.de/ki/people/wehrhahn/simb_y3-new.jpg

people need to believe what they actually see rather than assumptions and influences like that. it kinda bugs me.

http://s3.media.squarespace.com/production/394030/5211359/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/checkershadow_illusion4med-1-thumb.jpg

A and B are the same but in context you don't see that because you think its just the shadow. if you were to separate each of the rows and look at them out of context, or even each cube, you would see the variations in colors and that A and B are really the same.

EXAMS ARE OVER!
finally.

I felt so good today. I finished my history test in about an hour. Then my english exam was just 16 short answer. At first I only wrote like, 5 lines per question but by the 7th question I was writing at least half a page for each. It was so satisfying. I just checked powerschool and it turns out I got a 76 on my math midterm and a 77 on chem! -_- awesommeeeeee. It barely affected my grades.

I learned how to sound like a baby lion. mmmmmrrrrAHH

side thoughts can be ignored, by all means. actually this blog can be ignored.

This morning we were talking about where babies come from. And how after 20 kids they would just start spilling out babies (Oedipus- Regina Spektor, go listen). And then we were talking about if babies could be grown outside the womb. Like instead of sex they would reproduce by spores. And they would just kinda grow in the corner of your house. People would be like "OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IS THAT?!" and you could just be like, "Oh, just my fetus."

Or what if they like, grew in nests. And they'd just like, be chirping fetuses. feti. fetisus. pl. fetus. Yeah... Or if they like grew in tanks like the aliens on TV with little name plates at the top. You could grow them in your house and then market them! Like goldfish. You could take them home in a little plastic bag. I just picture the girl in Finding Nemo with the bag like "WAKE UP FISHY!" while shaking it to death. Shaken Baby Syndrome.

I'm not sure what else I have to say. This is so different from my usual blogs.

I recently realized that rice is so delicious. And you can eat it like, whenever you want. It's fantastic.

I also realized that The Ramones are not good to listen to before exams. They're so repetative that they get stuck in your head the whole test. and after.

I hope you've watched Rejected by Don Hertzfeldt. Go do that now if you haven't:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJYxCSXjhLI
I spent a few hours watching some of the rest. They're realllllly good. I can't imagine how long these take. So much effort must go into them. One says it took four years to make. That's pretty dang awesome. I'm glad to see that there are hard working people in the world C: especially working on something you love. If you don't love what you're doing, why do it? Besides school. Do that. Or else you won't be able to do what you want to do.

I forgot what I was about to say..

Oh yeah. My parents really want me to busk. I want to double major in music therapy and performance in college. We're touring Berklee during February vacation. I really want to go there. I need to go to a college that's in a town I can busk in and not get mugged. Nortampton is really nice for busking. A lot of violinists busk there along with the usual guitarist. I make a point to give money to any busker, even if it's just a quarter. I always keep change in my pocket just for that reason. It's so great what they do. They don't expect a lot of money but they just want to share their love of music and make the world a more beautiful place. I have a lot of respect for buskers. Even if it's their only way to get money- at least they're not just sitting around with a sign asking for money. People respect hard work. I've been saying that a lot haven't I...I'm a broken record.

I think that's it...


yup. it is.

lkladvushdfuvaehgfvjaer

I failed my calc exam.
There were 15 questions and I only found answers for about 4 of them. And I'm pretty sure 3/4 of those answers are wrong. I skipped an entire 2 pages.

So be it.

Saying goodbye hurts more than when you hurt me. I'll never talk to you or look at you or ask about you again. That's just how you want it. I don't exist to you anymore. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.




icantdealwiththispain.

Consequences.

These pills have murdered my creativity. This is why I didn't want to take them. I haven't been able to write or draw or even read. I hope I find my way back somehow.

Well the future's got me worried . Such awful thoughts.

The world's filled to the brim with acid-washed people. But we stare at their hopeless children instead.

Down we go away.

There are two distinct parts of me. I can feel them both. One stays in reality and the other in my world. Growing up, the two always overlapped. One never overpowering the other. Equal balance. Now they're slowly drifting away from each other and I'm torn between them both parts of me are dwelling in my world now, holding onto reality by the fingertips. I don't know how much longer I can last. I find myself wondering if what I'm seeing is actually there. I swear I have worms in my wrists and my feet. I can see them. They crawl up my arms, making them numb with pain. I want to cut them out but I'm afraid they won't actually be there. Or I won't be able to find them and I'll cut up my arms and feet for nothing. They itch like mad, though. I want them gone.
I'm being so drawn into my world that reality means nothing to me anymore. I don't know why I pay attention to it anymore. It's so boring. Some days I completely give myself over to it. My synesthesia is strongest then. It's kind of like a screen from reality. It's getting harder and harder to come back to reality. It give me headaches. The kind where you just want a vice put on your head so it doesn't explode. They're what make reality physically painful. Nothing helps them either.