I went flying outta my window.

I figured something out today.

People I trust are yellow.
People I'm not sure I trust are red.
People I don't trust are blue.
also,
People I don't know are yellow.

I guess that little part of my subconscious that controls my syn is telling me that I try to look for the best in people before I get to know them. But then anything that gives me a reason not to trust them will turn them red or blue.

I feel like a freak. Please assure me I'm not. Or that I am. Or whatever. No one reads this.

Before today I hadn't really noticed a pattern in that. I guess I should have seen that with past relationships. I saw him go from yellow, to red, to blue, and I didn't think anything of it. And I'm stupid. Because I could have saved myself from killing him inside. I should stop doing this to myself. I think maybe I should tell my psychiatrist that these meds aren't working for me. That would be the smart thing. Rather than become a vegetable. I slept all day today. I'd say I'm becoming nocturnal because I sleep all day but I also sleep all night. I probably sleep 18/24 hours. That's 75% of the day.

I think I'll become vegan again. Not really because of the whole "animal cruelty" thing but because so much food makes me sick. I'm a lactose intolerant vegetarian with acid reflux disease and vitamin D deficiency. That kind of eliminates a lot of food. Anyway, being vegan is a lot healthier. It prevents me from eating all that disgusting processed food that comes individually packaged in air-tight plastic wrappers.

My shoulders have been hurting so much lately. I tore my labrum in my left shoulder from dislocating it twice. I have really loose joints. Just putting on a jacket or swinging my arm can dislocate it. My doctor told me I can never rock climb again. I cried. I think I already said this in an earlier post. Anyway, surgery won't help but I'll need it if PT doesn't work. Which kinda sucks. Having my shoulders cut open even though it might not help. whudda fuck.

Playing/practicing violin has become as terrible as doing school work. I have no motivation. I love it but instead of doing it I just sleep. The lethargy is killing me slowly. Sometimes I put sleeping before eating meals. Lately all I eat is a bowl of cereal, a granola bar, and some rice. Probably not too good. My antidepressants are supposed to have the opposite side effects: insomnia, increased appitite, mania...etc. Maybe my psychiatrist will just increase my dosage.

I guess I have been hungry. It's just that no food looks appetizing. And everything tastes bad and makes me really sick. To the point where it feels like I've been eating knives. My mom can't figure out what's wrong either. I just force myself to eat and live through it. I've always had terrible stomach problems. It's not really anything new, just intensified.

I lost all my friends. Except maybe one or two. No, just one- who's slowly drifting away. I have social anxiety so it's kinda hard talking to people in person. Or just being around people in general. It's nice to find people who just glow yellow and I feel really comfortable around them. Others cause my mania. Which sucks. I'll just bounce off the walls all day/night because I have comfortable human contact. It's like I'm trapped inside myself for really long periods of time and when I get the opportunity I just fly. Then the next day those people just think I'm crazy and they don't want to be around me. Obviously I can't keep friends. Then I get really self-conscious and I can't be near people and it's just a huge cycle. I just wish you would know that I want to be your friend for that reason, I feel comfortable around you without any of the mania. You might think its for "novelty" or whatever but it's definately not. at all. So stop thinking that. There are very few people I feel this way around.

I remember in either preschool or kindergarden there was a little boy. I think his name was Ahmed. But he just like, glowed red. I didn't even know what it was because I didn't know that what I had was synesthesia. But one day I saw him at the grocery store and I said hi and all that but I went on to say "I bet I can guess your favorite color!" and of course he was skeptical and he was like "Okay prove it." So i guessed red and coincidentally it turned out to be right. I tried guessing other people's favorite colors after that. Didn't work so well, haha. (I've always been such a freak). Then I started to realize that their "aura" so to say was not their favorite color.

I think "T" is my favorite letter ever. It's the only letter that's purple. It's such a pretty purple too. It's that royal purple. Sometimes it can be like, lavender, depending on the context. My friend has the prettiest name. His first name is gold, lavender, and magenta and his last name is teal, blue, and royal purple with a little bit of gold. I love gold. I bought gold paint to paint my room. I don't think any of the letters are even gold. Just a combination of them. Most letters are yellow or orange or a combination or the two. I told him that one day. He's the only one who understands me. I guess that's why I started talking to him so much. One of those yellow people. I talk to him every day and it's such a relief being able to tell him what's on my mind without being ridiculed or judged. Which happens far too often.

I think I'm sick. I have to have my window open because I'm so hot in here.

I'm getting kinda sick of wearing clothes. Honestly, I probably wouldn't if there weren't laws against indecent exposure. I'm just tired of being "socially acceptable." It's a pain. I hate having to shower every day. Pick out clothes. Put them on. Bleh. I asked my mom if I could join a nudist cult. She told me to wait till it gets warmer (jokingly).

I wrote a lot. I should probably be reading Rip Van Winkle but I can't bring myself to do it. No motivation. Maybe I'll be "sick" again tomorrow. Or all semester. The nurse knows everything. I'm allowed to go lay down there whenever I need to. I shouldn't take advantage of that. I haven't gone yet but I probably will soon. It's better than sleeping in Latin (which I still have a 100 in).