September 3, 2010
I've had such erratic behavior today. I start to do something and no more than a minute later I get bored and need to do something else. I've just been walking around the house all day not knowing what to do. I'll pick up an instrument, then put it right back down again. Turn on music, turn it off before the song finishes. Go on the computer and open the games window, close the window. Open some website, close it. No one is around to talk to either and my phone is being weird and won't recieve texts or send them out right away. Now I have no idea if someone stole our tent or my cousin picked it up. I forced myself to watch a free movie because normal tv won't hold my attention. It was a terrible movie. Uma Thurman can't play the role of an extremely beautiful superhero. She's too ugly. But that's why people think she's attractive- she's so ugly she's attractive. Uma Thurman. She was the answer in a crossword puzzle I did recently. I lost my crossword puzzle book. I want it back but I have no idea where I left it. Probably in my sister's car under the seat or in the ocean somewhere. My brain feels like it's melting. I want to sleep but I try to nap and then get distracted and get up to do something. But there's nothing to do. I've only been home for 5 hours now but it feels like days. I can't learn harmonica either. It doesn't help that I'm trying to play a song in E flat on a C harmonica. Stupid. I'm gonna pass out from trying though. My lungs weren't meant to do that. Which is why I'm in orchestra, not band. I can't play clarinet either. I can't even play one note. It just one loud squeak and I say that's all the notes all at once. It's the devil's clarinet. I don't think it's really a clarinet. It's satan with a reed. Do civilizations need a religion to be civilized? I don't think so. Maybe a set of beliefs but they don't need a religion. There were probably plenty of agnostic/atheist civilizations. In english today we defined what makes people "civilized" and people were saying things that made me want to yell at them. Some people said they need clothes. Wrong. There were plently of civilizations that didn't have clothes. There still are. What's wrong with not wearing clothes? Nothing. Does that make me uncivilized when I take a shower? Apparently. I think another one was- okay nevermind I don't remember. I think I need a new phone soon. It's splitting open on the bottom. I'm gonna get it wet and electrocute myself. Electrocute is a weird word. It ends in cute. Electrocution isn't cute. I've experienced it. Not cool. Not cute. Weird. Really weird. Like all your bones are vibrating inside your skin. This is just one big chunk of text isn't it. I've started putting a few of my experiences together and realizing that things aren't normal. I'm really debating going back to therapy to figure things out but I hate talking to doctors and therapists. If things get worse maybe I will. Maybe. Gah I hate talking about that with people. They just try to force me to. I just can't. It's like social anxiety. I can't bring myself to even open my mouth. It just makes things worse because I get stressed out and they ask questions that make me even more confused and I can't answer and then I wanna explode. I hurt right now. My back. Maybe violin. I cried in a practice room today before my audition. Complete mental breakdown. There's this homeschooled kid that's in our orchestra now and he's too good and I'm also afraid of him. He scares me. I don't really know why. Something about him just makes me want to run and hide. I can't look at him. But I had to play almost right after him and it was terrible. I couldn't play. The freshmen girls are also pretty intimidating but they're so nice that I don't even care. I love them already. But Jeremy just...scares me. I got home and I had high blood pressure again. I can't even play music today. I'll break down again. Life is scary sometimes. I was debating slamming my hand in a locker so I didn't have to play today but I didn't. I should have. I really should have. Why didn't I. I feel like I'm not really here right now. My brain is hopping from thought to thought. I have to go back and read what I wrote to figure out what I was just think about. I'm really hot. I thought Earl would cool everything off but I guess not. Stupid hurricanes. I wanted a really bad one. We need excitement around here. Flooding, fallen trees, power outages, the whole shebang. I wish I was an admin on this computer so I could download firefox. I'm sick of not having spell check. I'm a terrible speller. When I was little I wanted to write dictionaries. I though they were fascinating even though I couldn't spell. I always wondered how people could gather all the words into one book. There are so many. I wonder, on average, how many words (percentage) of the english language a novel uses. Probably about 1-2%. It's gotta be a pretty small number. I guess not just english but latin too. All those medical and scientific terms are really english right? I wonder how universal they are. Do other languages translate them? I can't see why they would need to. Latin seems so universal anyway. Most languages are derived from it. Mr. Horton asked me a question about latin yesterday and I couldn't even answer. I lost that entire year of latin over the summer. I don't remember spanish either. I think I'll give up on languages. I'm gonna end up living alone in the middle of nowhere anyway. Nowhere is a weird word too. No where. Now here. So contradictory. I hate contradictions. I'm confused enough. This is a really long post. I've been typing for a good 45 minutes now. I don't remember typing that long. I'm sorry if you're reading this. If you are reading this, leave a comment saying something random. I have a feeling no one is reading but this is at least giving me something to do. I don't have my thoughts focused on only one thing. I think I'll take a shower. I'll be uncivilized and shower naked. How dare I. I might as well not go to church on sunday and eat with my fingers. Barbaric.
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i dont really know you but i see you around school quite a bit. is that weird that i've read your blog and havent met you in person? yeah...i guess i AM an awkward person. well, anyways, i dont know you as well as i would like but i think you are a fascinating person and you make a lot of good points in your blog. like the part in this one about the clothes and civilization, someone said that in my humanities class haha.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's weird haha and I just saw you the other day. I didn't say anything to you but you were standing right next to me. But thanks. They said that in my humanities class too. I don't know if I even specified that but that's where it was.
ReplyDeletewell, next time i see you i will say hi! I see you everywhere but ive never talked to you. You have a great taste in music by the way
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