I want to give up on music.

2 questions I always asked my mother.

1. Why is the sky blue?
2. Why do married women wear wedding rings?  (In the US; it's not a universal thing)

Theres a huge difference between some people that contributes to how they turn out when they're older.  I realized this while making toast today.  I tend to open the toaster a second before it beeps only because I know how long it takes subconsciously.  Now I know that I'm not psychic, I just have good timing, but there are people who would say "Wow I'm amazing I must have super powers." They're the people who always think something is wrong with them. It's like having a grasp on reality versus none at all.  I have to admit that I fall into the second category a lot, not knowing what is mentally in my control and what is not. 

This post didn't make much sense.  I can't type my thoughts sometimes.

I love autumn.  It's my absolute favorite time of year- from when the concord grapes are ripe and you can smell them til all the leaves are gone.  I love how cool and windy and cloudy it always is. And the leaves make it all so pretty.  I went to a cemetary today and it was perfect fall weather.  And I was wearing a striped knit sweater from goodwill. If felt so perfect like all those 90s halloween movies.  I went apple picking too. Such a perfect day.

Have you ever tried to count how many levels of thoughts you have? I used to do it all the time when I was little..probably every day. I think it's impossible to count them all. There's the first level which is like talking inside your head- your most prominent thoughts.  Then there's that level that's thinking about what your first level is saying. Then the next level is thinking about everything all together and trying to analyze it...and so on.  I think the most I can count is 3 or 4.  It keeps you occupied for a long time. Try it during long block.

Here's another: Try listening to someone talk and don't focus on any of the words- only sounds. But do it consciously.  It's so hard to not process the words.  If you do manage to do it, you realize that english is a really ugly language. We have so many gross sounding words.

Our future is canned peaches.

One thought I always have is how humans will be regarded in the far future. Like after our age of technology dies and we all die with it.  I can only imagine them find our remains in the forms of vinyls, power plants, and plastic.  They'll think of us as an advanced race and base their creations off ours.  They'll be starting new after the end of our race.  If you've ever read the City of Ember and the People of Sparks you'll know where I'm coming from. Our future is canned peaches and bomb shelters.  Every time I go to the grocery store I tell my mom to stock up on canned food because we'll need it soon.  I believe that some day we will be bombed by some crazy country holding a grudge against us and that's what's gonna happen.  They'll put people in the ground and give them canned food to last them generations.  I wonder what the next inhabitants of this earth will be after humans die out (that is if we managed to not nuke the whole planet to smithereens) and if they'll be smarter than us.  It seems like every living thing gets smarter each time around.  Maybe they'll know enough to create some utopian society that lasts forever.  They'll know to never invent plastic or cars or BPs.

Utopian societies.  They exist. I've seen it happen: Assisted care housing.  They make your food, there are scheduled times for activites every day, everyone does the same thing every day.  Yup, individuality, you're going to hell.  Everyone is treated the same.  Wow I never want to live there. 

Oh man I'm listening to M. Ward on youtube and the speakers are loud so sometimes it sounds like he's behind me and it freaks me out.  Like he's standing over my shoulder reading my blog as I type it.  That's creepy. He's not creepy. Not that I know of anyway.

"Now I feel like Carolina, I split myself in two."

I don't learn from my lessons.  But I'm starting to think that my subconscious doesn't want me to learn.  I keep hurting myself one way or another because I don't have the will power to stop.  How am I supposed to build up my will power when I don't have any to begin with.  It's so ironic.  Like downloading internet from the internet.

I'm learning harmonica.  I can actually play some songs on it.  People say that it's so hard to learn but I picked it up for the first time and learned a song in 5 minutes.  I don't even have to think when I play. Clarinet on the other hand....ugh. I'm terrible. I decided to try learning that.  My cousin taught me how to actually make notes come out and not squeaks though.  I guess that's a start. I've never needed my mouth to play an instrument except harmonica.  It hurts your face if you don't have those muscles.  I also bite my tongue when I play.  It's not fun but I'm determined to learn as much as I can before my face falls off.

Life is scary sometimes.  Even more so when it's all in your head.

I've had such erratic behavior today.  I start to do something and no more than a minute later I get bored and need to do something else.  I've just been walking around the house all day not knowing what to do. I'll pick up an instrument, then put it right back down again. Turn on music, turn it off before the song finishes. Go on the computer and open the games window, close the window. Open some website, close it.  No one is around to talk to either and my phone is being weird and won't recieve texts or send them out right away. Now I have no idea if someone stole our tent or my cousin picked it up. I forced myself to watch a free movie because normal tv won't hold my attention. It was a terrible movie. Uma Thurman can't play the role of an extremely beautiful superhero. She's too ugly. But that's why people think she's attractive- she's so ugly she's attractive. Uma Thurman. She was the answer in a crossword puzzle I did recently. I lost my crossword puzzle book. I want it back but I have no idea where I left it. Probably in my sister's car under the seat or in the ocean somewhere. My brain feels like it's melting.  I want to sleep but I try to nap and then get distracted and get up to do something. But there's nothing to do.  I've only been home for 5 hours now but it feels like days. I can't learn harmonica either.  It doesn't help that I'm trying to play a song in E flat on a C harmonica. Stupid. I'm gonna pass out from trying though.  My lungs weren't meant to do that.  Which is why I'm in orchestra, not band.  I can't play clarinet either. I can't even play one note.  It just one loud squeak and I say that's all the notes all at once. It's the devil's clarinet.  I don't think it's really a clarinet. It's satan with a reed.  Do civilizations need a religion to be civilized? I don't think so.  Maybe a set of beliefs but they don't need a religion. There were probably plenty of agnostic/atheist civilizations.  In english today we defined what makes people "civilized" and people were saying things that made me want to yell at them.  Some people said they need clothes. Wrong.  There were plently of civilizations that didn't have clothes. There still are.  What's wrong with not wearing clothes? Nothing. Does that make me uncivilized when I take a shower? Apparently.  I think another one was- okay nevermind I don't remember.  I think I need a new phone soon. It's splitting open on the bottom. I'm gonna get it wet and electrocute myself. Electrocute is a weird word.  It ends in cute. Electrocution isn't cute.  I've experienced it.  Not cool. Not cute. Weird. Really weird. Like all your bones are vibrating inside your skin. This is just one big chunk of text isn't it.  I've started putting a few of my experiences together and realizing that things aren't normal.  I'm really debating going back to therapy to figure things out but I hate talking to doctors and therapists.  If things get worse maybe I will. Maybe. Gah I hate talking about that with people. They just try to force me to. I just can't. It's like social anxiety. I can't bring myself to even open my mouth.  It just makes things worse because I get stressed out and they ask questions that make me even more confused and I can't answer and then I wanna explode.  I hurt right now.  My back. Maybe violin. I cried in a practice room today before my audition. Complete mental breakdown.  There's this homeschooled kid that's in our orchestra now and he's too good and I'm also afraid of him. He scares me. I don't really know why.  Something about him just makes me want to run and hide. I can't look at him.  But I had to play almost right after him and it was terrible. I couldn't play. The freshmen girls are also pretty intimidating but they're so nice that I don't even care. I love them already. But Jeremy just...scares me.  I got home and I had high blood pressure again. I can't even play music today.  I'll break down again. Life is scary sometimes.  I was debating slamming my hand in a locker so I didn't have to play today but I didn't. I should have. I really should have. Why didn't I. I feel like I'm not really here right now. My brain is hopping from thought to thought. I have to go back and read what I wrote to figure out what I was just think about.  I'm really hot. I thought Earl would cool everything off but I guess not. Stupid hurricanes. I wanted a really bad one. We need excitement around here. Flooding, fallen trees, power outages, the whole shebang.  I wish I was an admin on this computer so I could download firefox. I'm sick of not having spell check. I'm a terrible speller. When I was little I wanted to write dictionaries. I though they were fascinating even though I couldn't spell.  I always wondered how people could gather all the words into one book. There are so many. I wonder, on average, how many words (percentage) of the english language a novel uses.  Probably about 1-2%. It's gotta be a pretty small number.  I guess not just english but latin too.  All those medical and scientific terms are really english right?  I wonder how universal they are.  Do other languages translate them? I can't see why they would need to. Latin seems so universal anyway. Most languages are derived from it.  Mr. Horton asked me a question about latin yesterday and I couldn't even answer. I lost that entire year of latin over the summer. I don't remember spanish either. I think I'll give up on languages.  I'm gonna end up living alone in the middle of nowhere anyway. Nowhere is a weird word too. No where. Now here. So contradictory. I hate contradictions. I'm confused enough. This is a really long post.  I've been typing for a good 45 minutes now. I don't remember typing that long.  I'm sorry if you're reading this.  If you are reading this, leave a comment saying something random.  I have a feeling no one is reading but this is at least giving me something to do.  I don't have my thoughts focused on only one thing.  I think I'll take a shower.  I'll be uncivilized and shower naked.  How dare I.  I might as well not go to church on sunday and eat with my fingers.  Barbaric.

Internet Explorer has no Spell Check

Life is such a circle of disaatisfaction.  No one wants what they have.  They want what they don't have. Yeah that's human nature. It's just that you'd think evolution would fix that a little.  People are complaining about the heat but then saying that they will be wishing for this heat when it's 10 below this winter.  Wrong. They'd be wishing it was just warmer; not this deadly heat. I hate semicolons. I use them wrong a lot. I think I put one in my college essay. Oh well. I know I'm not really putting thoughts together and I'm just going off on tangents.

School is far less exciting that I expected. I guess I forgot how boring it is.  Yesterday I had orchestra long and today I had study long. Tomorrow I have the other orchestra long. At least we're ordering pizza. We do that a lot in chamber. All we do is eat and play rock band. It's fantastic. And the band room has AC.  I guess AC isn't really evolution but it makes people stop wanting what they can't have.  It's like an alternative to mother nature.  I don't really like that thought though. Technology is taking over so we don't have to deal with natural occurrences.  I'm glad I don't have AC in my house now.