I went flying outta my window.

I figured something out today.

People I trust are yellow.
People I'm not sure I trust are red.
People I don't trust are blue.
also,
People I don't know are yellow.

I guess that little part of my subconscious that controls my syn is telling me that I try to look for the best in people before I get to know them. But then anything that gives me a reason not to trust them will turn them red or blue.

I feel like a freak. Please assure me I'm not. Or that I am. Or whatever. No one reads this.

Before today I hadn't really noticed a pattern in that. I guess I should have seen that with past relationships. I saw him go from yellow, to red, to blue, and I didn't think anything of it. And I'm stupid. Because I could have saved myself from killing him inside. I should stop doing this to myself. I think maybe I should tell my psychiatrist that these meds aren't working for me. That would be the smart thing. Rather than become a vegetable. I slept all day today. I'd say I'm becoming nocturnal because I sleep all day but I also sleep all night. I probably sleep 18/24 hours. That's 75% of the day.

I think I'll become vegan again. Not really because of the whole "animal cruelty" thing but because so much food makes me sick. I'm a lactose intolerant vegetarian with acid reflux disease and vitamin D deficiency. That kind of eliminates a lot of food. Anyway, being vegan is a lot healthier. It prevents me from eating all that disgusting processed food that comes individually packaged in air-tight plastic wrappers.

My shoulders have been hurting so much lately. I tore my labrum in my left shoulder from dislocating it twice. I have really loose joints. Just putting on a jacket or swinging my arm can dislocate it. My doctor told me I can never rock climb again. I cried. I think I already said this in an earlier post. Anyway, surgery won't help but I'll need it if PT doesn't work. Which kinda sucks. Having my shoulders cut open even though it might not help. whudda fuck.

Playing/practicing violin has become as terrible as doing school work. I have no motivation. I love it but instead of doing it I just sleep. The lethargy is killing me slowly. Sometimes I put sleeping before eating meals. Lately all I eat is a bowl of cereal, a granola bar, and some rice. Probably not too good. My antidepressants are supposed to have the opposite side effects: insomnia, increased appitite, mania...etc. Maybe my psychiatrist will just increase my dosage.

I guess I have been hungry. It's just that no food looks appetizing. And everything tastes bad and makes me really sick. To the point where it feels like I've been eating knives. My mom can't figure out what's wrong either. I just force myself to eat and live through it. I've always had terrible stomach problems. It's not really anything new, just intensified.

I lost all my friends. Except maybe one or two. No, just one- who's slowly drifting away. I have social anxiety so it's kinda hard talking to people in person. Or just being around people in general. It's nice to find people who just glow yellow and I feel really comfortable around them. Others cause my mania. Which sucks. I'll just bounce off the walls all day/night because I have comfortable human contact. It's like I'm trapped inside myself for really long periods of time and when I get the opportunity I just fly. Then the next day those people just think I'm crazy and they don't want to be around me. Obviously I can't keep friends. Then I get really self-conscious and I can't be near people and it's just a huge cycle. I just wish you would know that I want to be your friend for that reason, I feel comfortable around you without any of the mania. You might think its for "novelty" or whatever but it's definately not. at all. So stop thinking that. There are very few people I feel this way around.

I remember in either preschool or kindergarden there was a little boy. I think his name was Ahmed. But he just like, glowed red. I didn't even know what it was because I didn't know that what I had was synesthesia. But one day I saw him at the grocery store and I said hi and all that but I went on to say "I bet I can guess your favorite color!" and of course he was skeptical and he was like "Okay prove it." So i guessed red and coincidentally it turned out to be right. I tried guessing other people's favorite colors after that. Didn't work so well, haha. (I've always been such a freak). Then I started to realize that their "aura" so to say was not their favorite color.

I think "T" is my favorite letter ever. It's the only letter that's purple. It's such a pretty purple too. It's that royal purple. Sometimes it can be like, lavender, depending on the context. My friend has the prettiest name. His first name is gold, lavender, and magenta and his last name is teal, blue, and royal purple with a little bit of gold. I love gold. I bought gold paint to paint my room. I don't think any of the letters are even gold. Just a combination of them. Most letters are yellow or orange or a combination or the two. I told him that one day. He's the only one who understands me. I guess that's why I started talking to him so much. One of those yellow people. I talk to him every day and it's such a relief being able to tell him what's on my mind without being ridiculed or judged. Which happens far too often.

I think I'm sick. I have to have my window open because I'm so hot in here.

I'm getting kinda sick of wearing clothes. Honestly, I probably wouldn't if there weren't laws against indecent exposure. I'm just tired of being "socially acceptable." It's a pain. I hate having to shower every day. Pick out clothes. Put them on. Bleh. I asked my mom if I could join a nudist cult. She told me to wait till it gets warmer (jokingly).

I wrote a lot. I should probably be reading Rip Van Winkle but I can't bring myself to do it. No motivation. Maybe I'll be "sick" again tomorrow. Or all semester. The nurse knows everything. I'm allowed to go lay down there whenever I need to. I shouldn't take advantage of that. I haven't gone yet but I probably will soon. It's better than sleeping in Latin (which I still have a 100 in).

No one reads the titles.

"Have you taken your pills today?"
-yes, dad.
"All of them?"
-yes, dad.

This conversation happens every morning. It reminds me how much I've changed lately. I meet with my psychiatrist this week. She'll ask how the meds are working and if there are any side effects. I'll probably tell her they work just fine. But in all honesty, they make me feel like a robot. The ADHD meds do nothing. I have no idea what's going on in any of my classes. I try so hard to remember but I just can't. I'm afriad of starting American Lit. I know I won't do well.

I want to go to college for music therapy. Not so much for the reason that I could help people (because I'm not great at that) but so I could show people how beneficial music can be.

Well I should go take those pills.

fever dream

It's daytime at night and their eyes reflect the moon. It's more than just a sense.

random rant..

i was thinking. people don't really see things anymore. they just assume that they're seeing something. you know? Like with colors.

influence by context.

like at night. a white house could look lavender when you know it's really white. people jump to the conclusion that the house is supposed to be white so it has to look white, even if it's not. people don't stop and say "oh that house is lavender right now even though i know it's really white."

like this whole thing too http://www.kyb.mpg.de/ki/people/wehrhahn/simb_y3-new.jpg

people need to believe what they actually see rather than assumptions and influences like that. it kinda bugs me.

http://s3.media.squarespace.com/production/394030/5211359/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/checkershadow_illusion4med-1-thumb.jpg

A and B are the same but in context you don't see that because you think its just the shadow. if you were to separate each of the rows and look at them out of context, or even each cube, you would see the variations in colors and that A and B are really the same.

EXAMS ARE OVER!
finally.

I felt so good today. I finished my history test in about an hour. Then my english exam was just 16 short answer. At first I only wrote like, 5 lines per question but by the 7th question I was writing at least half a page for each. It was so satisfying. I just checked powerschool and it turns out I got a 76 on my math midterm and a 77 on chem! -_- awesommeeeeee. It barely affected my grades.

I learned how to sound like a baby lion. mmmmmrrrrAHH

side thoughts can be ignored, by all means. actually this blog can be ignored.

This morning we were talking about where babies come from. And how after 20 kids they would just start spilling out babies (Oedipus- Regina Spektor, go listen). And then we were talking about if babies could be grown outside the womb. Like instead of sex they would reproduce by spores. And they would just kinda grow in the corner of your house. People would be like "OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IS THAT?!" and you could just be like, "Oh, just my fetus."

Or what if they like, grew in nests. And they'd just like, be chirping fetuses. feti. fetisus. pl. fetus. Yeah... Or if they like grew in tanks like the aliens on TV with little name plates at the top. You could grow them in your house and then market them! Like goldfish. You could take them home in a little plastic bag. I just picture the girl in Finding Nemo with the bag like "WAKE UP FISHY!" while shaking it to death. Shaken Baby Syndrome.

I'm not sure what else I have to say. This is so different from my usual blogs.

I recently realized that rice is so delicious. And you can eat it like, whenever you want. It's fantastic.

I also realized that The Ramones are not good to listen to before exams. They're so repetative that they get stuck in your head the whole test. and after.

I hope you've watched Rejected by Don Hertzfeldt. Go do that now if you haven't:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJYxCSXjhLI
I spent a few hours watching some of the rest. They're realllllly good. I can't imagine how long these take. So much effort must go into them. One says it took four years to make. That's pretty dang awesome. I'm glad to see that there are hard working people in the world C: especially working on something you love. If you don't love what you're doing, why do it? Besides school. Do that. Or else you won't be able to do what you want to do.

I forgot what I was about to say..

Oh yeah. My parents really want me to busk. I want to double major in music therapy and performance in college. We're touring Berklee during February vacation. I really want to go there. I need to go to a college that's in a town I can busk in and not get mugged. Nortampton is really nice for busking. A lot of violinists busk there along with the usual guitarist. I make a point to give money to any busker, even if it's just a quarter. I always keep change in my pocket just for that reason. It's so great what they do. They don't expect a lot of money but they just want to share their love of music and make the world a more beautiful place. I have a lot of respect for buskers. Even if it's their only way to get money- at least they're not just sitting around with a sign asking for money. People respect hard work. I've been saying that a lot haven't I...I'm a broken record.

I think that's it...


yup. it is.

lkladvushdfuvaehgfvjaer

I failed my calc exam.
There were 15 questions and I only found answers for about 4 of them. And I'm pretty sure 3/4 of those answers are wrong. I skipped an entire 2 pages.

So be it.

Saying goodbye hurts more than when you hurt me. I'll never talk to you or look at you or ask about you again. That's just how you want it. I don't exist to you anymore. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.




icantdealwiththispain.

Consequences.

These pills have murdered my creativity. This is why I didn't want to take them. I haven't been able to write or draw or even read. I hope I find my way back somehow.

Well the future's got me worried . Such awful thoughts.

The world's filled to the brim with acid-washed people. But we stare at their hopeless children instead.

Down we go away.

There are two distinct parts of me. I can feel them both. One stays in reality and the other in my world. Growing up, the two always overlapped. One never overpowering the other. Equal balance. Now they're slowly drifting away from each other and I'm torn between them both parts of me are dwelling in my world now, holding onto reality by the fingertips. I don't know how much longer I can last. I find myself wondering if what I'm seeing is actually there. I swear I have worms in my wrists and my feet. I can see them. They crawl up my arms, making them numb with pain. I want to cut them out but I'm afraid they won't actually be there. Or I won't be able to find them and I'll cut up my arms and feet for nothing. They itch like mad, though. I want them gone.
I'm being so drawn into my world that reality means nothing to me anymore. I don't know why I pay attention to it anymore. It's so boring. Some days I completely give myself over to it. My synesthesia is strongest then. It's kind of like a screen from reality. It's getting harder and harder to come back to reality. It give me headaches. The kind where you just want a vice put on your head so it doesn't explode. They're what make reality physically painful. Nothing helps them either.

I think I'm going crazy.

Everything I see has changed.

Synesthesia is taking control and I have no way to stop it.

Wait if it's what you want to do.

When I walk through the hallways alone I make an effort to walk in someone else's footprints. The whole 100 yards I walk I think about what shoes made those prints, whose shoes they were, what kind of person they're like. It's like being them for a minute or two. I imagine what their life is like at home. Do they have a nice family? Any pets? Do they get along? The possibilities are endless. For every set of foot prints there is a unique individual who created them. I'll just go on playing make-believe. It's more fun.