The rain is so beautiful. The wind is equally beautiful. I opened my window as wide as it could go and leaned backward out into the storm. Hanging upside down intensifies the experience. Everything looks new and exotic. The rain from the gutter would drip onto my chin, across my cheek, and into my windblown hair. I felt free with my hands hanging wide open. I must have looked like a corpse hanging out of a window to passersby. I stayed there until my ribs ached and my fingers were numb...only to lean back out a few minutes later.

Catching a raindrop in the center of your palm is one of those rare moments that is so small but so seems so significant.

Some movies..

Yesterday I noticed that I haven't really seen any new movies so since I was home sick I watched some movies from free movies on demand. The Sundance Channel/Film Festival has a lot of really good films.

The first movie I watched was a Spanish movie called El Bola. It's about this young boy named Pablo who lives in a very violent environment. His father beats him and he's sort of neglected by his friends. One day this other boy named Alfredo transfers to his school and they become friends. Alfredo's family is very loving and fun and they treat Pablo as if he were their own son. When Pablo's father finds out about this he becomes very violent and prohibits Pablo from seeing them again. It's a beautiful movie. You should watch it.

The movie I'm watching today is Born into Brothels. It's a documentary about these children growing up in the red light district of Calcutta. This woman gives all of the children cameras and basically teaches them to see the world in a different way. Along with teaching them this, she puts their photography in exhibitions to raise money to get them out of the brothels. She tries to get them educations and just remove them from that society because the children are on the road to becoming prostitutes and drug addicts and violent people. One of the factors that determines if they can receive an education is if they are HIV positive. Fortunately, when the children are tested they all come back negative. One of the little girls is forced to work all day starting at 4 am. She cooks and cleans and takes care of people when she is only about 10 years old. She works so hard that she barely has time to rest. She gets paid for her work to help her family but if she goes to the boarding school, the family will lose that small income. Despite these factors, the children will only have opportunities in life if they receive an education. The children are beautiful. The things they say are so profound for their age. They all seem so mature although they are still kids.
These are some quotes from the kids:

Avijit

"I used to want to be a doctor. Then I wanted to be an artist. Now I want to be a photographer..."

Gour

"I want to show in pictures how people live in this city. I want to put across the behavior of man."

Shanti

"Zana Auntie teaches us so well that everything goes into our brain. We like doing photography so much that we forget to do our work!"

Suchitra

"When I have a camera in my hands I feel happy. I feel like I am learning something...I can be someone."

Tapasi

"When we first got to use the camera, it felt so good. Before we never had a chance...we'd watch other people doing it and wish we had a camera too."

it won't make a sound 'til you're through

Sometimes I wish that scar on my leg would grow and grow until it covered my entire body. I wouldn't have to feel anything again. A cocoon of apathy. I could just hide away from the world and be unfazed by everything that touches me.

I need to start over again. No drugs. No broken promises. No oversleeping. No spacing out during school. My heads rolling around on the ground and I need to sew it back on again with white, untainted thread. Untainted.

I think I need to start small. Obviously cut out drugs, focus on schoolwork, and maybe go out more. Like a date or something. I need to care about someone else because if I care about another person enough, I'll just fall into place right where I need to be. But...that's kind of a problem. Because I won't get a date. Maybe I should just get a dog. Or an invisible friend.


On a lighter (sort of) note, check out this website. It's hilarious but at the same time it makes you lose hope in society. People can be so utterly stupid. I might get it for my mom for her birthday...
http://notalwaysright.com
At least I'm not alone in hating the majority of society.

I think I'll go to Boston.

Yesterday was my college touring day.

We started out at Boston Conservatory with low expectations to begin with. The second we walked in the building I wanted to leave. The admissions building was about 500 years old. We finally go on the actual tour and it takes all of 20 minutes maybe. We went down the floors of one building and the guide was like, "Well here's a concert hall, and here's another concert hall that looks just like it, and those are practice rooms, and this is the student center." The student center was about the size of my bedroom. It had a tiny window for a cafe a a few couches. Lovely. The worst part of it was the dorm. The rooms are tiny and wicked old and none of them are the same size you you could be crammed into a closet-sized room with one or two other people or have a giant room to yourself. The guide told us how on of his friends ended up with a room that was the old library. Humongous and unfair. My mom asked if there were practice rooms anywhere in the dorm building and the guide told us, "There is a strict no practicing policy in the dorm building. You can't even sing." Like seriously, what the fuck. No way am I even applying to go there. They're all stuck up and gahh, horrible.

We then got to go to Berkley. The second we walked into the admissions building I loved it. The guy at the desk randomly started singing opera and then he was whistling. Even the booklets and stuff were spectacular. (Boston Conservatory only had this little brochure that didn't even mention the music program. That's utter crap. And the people at the desk were like "I own this school because I eat, sleep, and breathe my major. I don't even eat food anymore because I'm too busy being perfect at everything. blah blah blah blah.) Anyway, the tour had to be split into two groups because it was like 40 people whereas the other tour was about 8. Just the people on the tour made me want to go there so bad. They were like, normal music-loving people. I was one of two girls on the tour. Most of the guys were guitarists or bassists or drummers that have bands and stuff. The tour took like 1.5 hours and I enjoyed every second of it. The buildings are beautiful, the people are beautiful, the music is beautiful. Everything is fantastic. The whole atmosphere is so casual too.

Then we saw the Harry Potter Exhibit at the science museum which was soooo cool.

I think I want to tour Oberlin next. My camp counselor Kivie went there for cello and he said it was the best 4 years of his life. Too bad it's in Bumblefuck, Ohio.

See how they run.

I enjoy tassels immensely.

Raise your hand if you actually read my blog.

turn on your love light

I blame the insomnia on my bupropion. I also blame my lack of appetite on them. In the past 36 hours I've eaten a bowl of cereal and an apple (until right now- I had a crepe). But now I feel like I'm gunna projectile vomit crepes all over my walls. I feel terrible. It's like having the stomach flu when I try to eat. I can see why one of the side effects of them is weight loss. People just become annorexic. Then they have even more problems. Great. I heard this thing about people giving obese people bupropion so they lose weight. Yup. That would work. Maybe they should sell it at MacDonalds.
My brain is telling me I'm hungry because I've basically eaten nothing and I have no energy but my stomach is like "NO!" It is forcefully yelling at me and kicking my insides in protest. Shut up stomach.

jonsi & alex

I hate insomnia. It came back. Not full blown because my meds prevent insomnia (or they're supposed to) but I can only get an hour to two hours of sleep a night, if that. Usually I clean my room when I don't sleep but I don't have the energy. I did before but I did about 50 push-ups and it was gone. Now I'm just kinda, wide awake but lazy. I should try to do homework but I don't want to turn on my light. I'm watching a movie online instead.

Look up Jonsi & Alex. It's the singer from Sigur Ros and his friend.

These hallucinations are weird. I'm attributing them to lack of sleep. I don't even find them disturbing. They seem completely normal. Like my door is stretched out across my wall. And there's this brown snake living in my mirror. But it's all normal to me.

darling dear what have you done

My life goal is to be able to play Bach's Chaconne perfectly. It's said to be one of the saddest songs ever written.
part one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uCdKH_zHVs
part two: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdtU0T4Ukd8

Just getting through all nine pages is so difficult. I feel like my arm is going to fall off or something. Hilary Hahn is such a great violinist. Joshua Bell too. Around 4:30 in part 2 is my favorite part to play. But it's all so goddamn difficult!

I'm playing another Bach piece for my lesson and it's beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdKWZqy1g0E
I spend like, hours, trying to perfect it. Not even close right now haha.

Violin is really becoming an obsession for me. I mean, I'm blogging about it haha. When I'm bored I sit on my bed and play for hours until my back starts hurting (which gets to be a pain. I have so many back problems from violin and dance).

I started viola. I love it so much. I've always loved deep toned instruments. They sound so nice. It's pretty similar to violin but the music is all in alto clef whereas violin music is in treble. It's tough to switch over.

My silver dress is falling apart. I wear it too much. It has holes all over. But I still love it to death (literally I guess..). Maybe I'll find another dress at Sally's Boutique on Wednesday.

I've been listening to The Decemberists far too much but I can't stop. Picturesque is such a good album. When I make a playlist I have to always put The Decemberists, Monsters of Folk, Iron & Wine, and Janis Joplin on it. Every time. I went through a phase where I listened to Me & Bobby McGee at least three times a day. I love that song. But only the Janis Joplin version. I tried listening to the Grateful Dead version and they completely changed the lyrics. I love the Grateful Dead but I just couldn't listen to it.

Leonard Cohen is also amazing. I could listen to him for days. Chelsea Hotel no. 2 is probably my favorite song. He wrote it for Janis Joplin. You should probably go listen right now...

I just realized this blog is pretty much all about music. Imma go to college for music :}

A Declaration of Rights

Dear Mother and Father,

I am directing this at you because I know you are reading this via bugging my computer and/or stalking my personal websites, neither of which you have the constitutional authority to do. I, as a citizen or the United States of America, have the same natural rights as both of you: Life, liberty, property. As a citizen under the Constitution, I am also entitled to freedom of/to speech, religion, press, assembly, and petition according to the first amendment. I am also allowed the right to deny my parents to read my mail, which you have blatantly failed to observe. Minors are often denied the majority of these rights which is unconstitutional; It it not specified in the Constitution that minors are to be treated unequally. By denying one their natural and civil rights, the person in question is therefore going against the Constitution, and therefore the government of the United States of America.

There is also another right that I, even as a minor, am entitled to: emancipation. Although this isn't an option for me at the moment, it is still a consideration that you should think about before further invasion of privacy and violation of rights. I am sixteen and therefore have the legal right to emancipate myself though I strongly do not wish to do so because I would be uncovered by health insurance, etc. Therefore, you should take into consideration the extremity of your actions. To quote the Fourteen Points, a speech delivered by president Woodrow Wilson in a proposal to establish peace amongst the belligerent nations during World War One. The fourth point states, "Adequate guarantees given and taken that national armaments will be reduced to the lowest point consistent with domestic safety." The "protection" that you've placed on my privacy and my person should be "reduced to the lowest point consistent with domestic safety." This would therefore reestablish a level of protection in accordance to protection that was enforced before the retroactive protection of the recent months.

I, therefore, should have full legal right to life, liberty, and property. As of late, you have given me one of my three natural rights. As for the other two rights, actions should be taken to ensure my privacy (mainly of my room, laptop, and phone calls); my right to freedom of expression, speech, press, assembly, and petition; and personal protection of property belonging solely to me.

Green Tea and Lima Beans

I finally got to go hiking today. A friend and I went up to Wachusett Meadow and hiked up Brown Hill. It was nice. We saw a hawk and a porcupine. We carved some stuff out of wood too. I made a hippo and a sharp dagger-like object to ward off ninjas and the such.

I also sliced my finger open. Probably shouldn't have been using a knife in that state of mind but my fingers were also numb so I couldn't really feel it. It cut from like, the side of my finger to the edge of the nail. Gushing blood. Of course we didn't have bandages so we used duct tape and a tissue. The tissue was soaked red when I took it off. yummy

It's a souvenir in the shape of switzerland

I don't think I've ever actually blogged my most recent injury. It's really quite the thrilling tale.

So this summer I went to Switzerland to hike the Alps (best experience of my life) and we met up with some old friends that live just outside of Basel. We toured the city one day and ended up at this restaurant with a ton of ads on the paper place mats. After looking at mine I point to an ad and tell my dad, "We're going here, okay?" And he was like, "Sure, we can go tomorrow." The ad I pointed to was for this Forest Jump place which is this gigantic high ropes course.

http://www.forestjump.ch/

The moms and my sister decided to go to this old castle and do some geocaching around the area while the dads, Sara, Laura, and I took the train out of the city to go do some climbing. The place was so much bigger than I could imagine. There were 7 or 8 different courses ranging from easy to extremely difficult. Of course we decided to go on the extremely difficult one our second time around after dong a medium one for warm up. The difficult one consisted of all of the elements of a high ropes course: cargo net traverse about 10m off the ground, wire traverse, rope traverse (the one where you're just hanging by your hands and you have to monkey over to the other side), swinging log traverse (at this point we saw a guy cry and have to be helped down by the workers >_< ), and of course the zip lines. We got all the way through that one and then moved onto one that was basically all zip lines just for the fun of it (it was also the highest course, the highest part being about 20m up).

We were about 3/4 through the course when it happened. I hooked myself into the longest of the lines and sped through the trees. I started twisting around and I couldn't twist back in time. I finally straightened myself out but it was too late. I should have been slowing down at that point but I was still going full speed. My legs swung around and smashed into the platform at about 20 mph. My left leg got the full impact of it, the right got nothing. I was in so much pain but I didn't even cry. I could barely unhook myself from the lines because I couldn't stand up. I sat on the platform and used my right leg to push myself to reach the cables.

In 30 seconds the area of impact on my shin was swollen an inch high and about 4 inches in diameter. A few minutes later it looked like I had another knee it was so massive. Then it turned the usual pretty colors: red, purple, blue, green, yellow. A whole rainbow of internal bleeding (such a pleasant thought, right?). Anyway, I managed to finish the rest of the course using only my right leg and arms... It was really strange actually.

When we got back to the house I iced it a ton but the swelling didn't go down at all. It was filled with so much fluid. (I didn't even scratch it at all, only direct impact). I also had pretty extensive nerve damage where I hit it. My dad said the nerve damage would go away with the swelling. He was wrong. It's been 6 months; the swelling went down a month ago but the nerve damage is still there. There is also a dent in my shin that is about 1/2 cm deep. It's really weird not being able to feel it.

Purple Nachos

No one even reads this.

I had a bunch of things going through my head today. But I don't remember any of them.

fetal wreaths

My shoulders are killing me. I think I tore the other too. I really wouldn't doubt it. Nothing I can do about it though.

I've hard random urges to watch old movies and shows. Futurama, Doug, Monthy Python and the Holy Grail.. etc. Probably because I haven't watched television in soooo long. Actually I watched...yesterday I think. For about half an hour. I watched Border Wars which is actually pretty interesting. Illegal immigrants smuggling drugs over the border...Very interesting. I was glued to it. I'm never interested in tv. My mom was amazed.

Short blog. I'm kinda tired. My bed is so warm right now. I might sleep now.

my titles will no longer have any relevance.

LJBWEVCBEHBGVFB

I forgot about the wedding in May that I'm supposed to play for. And it's not like I'm doing lousy background music, I'm playing through the ENTIRE thing. This is my first wedding gig and I'm freaking out because the bride is coming on the 13th to hear what we (oboe player and I) have together. He still has my music so I have yet to organize anything. Luckily I'm getting some of my energy back so I can practice. I would have tonight if I had the music. blehbelhbeljheljkwblevbwag. angrygrunt.

My dad and I are going to build a bookshelf in my room. God, the last thing I built was for my freshman science project (well besides entire sets for drama). I'm glad that I can finally do more building.

And I get to go hiking this weekend. I've been dying to go. I'm taking a friend and we're gunna go on an excursion through the woods/up mountains with our gear and snowshoes :} I'm so happy. I haven't been on a real winter hike in a loooooong time.

I'm like, doing things I used to. These meds might actually work! (I took 2 today-fantastic)

I feel like fighting someone. Just for the thrill of it. Like Fight Club. Wachusett's Fight Club. Super Happy Fun Club- that's more like it.